Rick's Picks for the 1999/2000 Hamber
Hockey League.
By Rick Ramsbottom
It’s
that time of year again, and we here at Rick’s Picks have put together our
predictions for the 1999/2000 HHL season.
This year promises to be an exciting one with the first attempt at
post-season play, and the last year before expansion once again dilutes the
talent pool. Will the Spanish Bitches
repeat? Will Buzz fall back to the
basement, as we all hope? Will ‘The Professor’
Kim once again get fleeced in a lop-sided deal? Will Richie Stone sell off his top guns in an unceremonious
dump? Will the Dynasty rule again? Read below, and find out.
THE SPANISH BITCHES
Predicted Finish: 1st
Best Pick/Free Agent
Signing: No doubt about it. Potentially, the best free agent signing of the year was
goaltender Ron Tugnutt. With or without
Alexei Ya$hin, the Senators promise to win a lot of games, and the Tugger
should be between the pipes for most of these.
Worst Pick/Free Agent
Signing: Tough call on this one. One of Jan Hrdina or Kip Miller will no
doubt be a complete bust, but if one of them sticks with Jagr, they could be
the Bitches most important acquisition.
Keys to success: Health and Money. If
all-world wingers Paul Kariya, Jaromir Jagr, and Theo Fleury stay healthy, and
if Alexei Yashin returns sooner, rather than later from his hold out the
Bitches will roll. If not, they’ll
dissappear faster than a dozen foot-longs at a Leeson family BBQ. We feel this threat is minimal though. The Yankees of the HHL should repeat.
Off the Ice: As was expected with a Championship Team, President & GM Mr.
Happy raised ticket prices by an average of 20%. Rumour has it that this team may be looking to move and the
location we’ve been hearing is Las Vegas, Nevada. Mr. Happy would not comment on the rumour, and was only heard
mumbling……”Ahhhhhh, Cheetas……..”
THE DYNASTY
Predicted Finish: 2nd
Best Pick/Free Agent
Signing: By picking up Andrew Cassels with a 5th
round pick, the Dynasty solidified the centre position, and potentially
acquired a 70pt player. Cassels scored
89 points in one season with Geoff Sanderson on his wing…imagine what he can do
with Alexander the Great!
Worst Pick/Free Agent
Signing: Jamie Langenbrunner will join the long list
of young players that turned their break out season into a nightmare. Langenbrunner has gotten off to a slow
start, and if this trend continues, he’ll be the worst free agent signing by
the Dynasty since Geoff ‘Honest Stew, I’m not a bum’ Courtnall.
Keys to success: The Dynasty has depth at all positions, but no true
superstar. If Mark Recchi has a subpar
season, and Glen Murray, Mark Parrish, Sergei Samsonov et al. cannot pick up
the slack, GM Ramsbottom will once again have to pull off a major deal in order
to stay in the running. Hello, can I
please speak to Teddy………….We like this team’s chances.
Off the Ice: President and GM Rick ‘The
Bastard’ Ramsbottom recently announced the hiring of The Great One Wayne
Gretzky as the team’s Assistant General Manager. Gretzky will be responsible for the Dynasty’s farm club, the Rosedale
Rednecks. Ramsbottom also recently
announced a strategic partnership with the Hooters restaurant chain. In keeping with team policy, terms of the
deal were not disclosed, however we believe that Hooters has agreed to staff
the Chilliwack Coliseum on all game nights, and hold wet t-shirt contests on
every second Saturday.
RARRS RAGE
Predicted Finish: 3rd
Best Pick/Free Agent
Signing: No
doubt about this one. Possibly, the
best pick in this year’s Draft was the selection of Brian Savage with the last
pick overall. Savage has started off as
quickly as Buzz at an open bar wedding.
But like Buzz, we’re guessing Savage will eventually lose steam. Look for 55-65 points.
Worst Pick/Free Agent
Signing: It
appears that Anson Carter may be another one of those young players that just
never seems to reach their potential.
Carter started off the season scoring just 1 point in his first 8
games. Look for this trend to continue.
Keys to Success: Without a doubt, the major factor that will determine the success
of this team is injuries. If Pavel Bure
and Eric Lindros can remain healthy, this team will be very dangerous. However, if the Russian Mobster and the Big
E lose 15-20 games each, the Rage will quickly become a very average team.
Off the Ice: After last year’s Florida Marlin
like dumping of talent, Rage Season Ticket Holders voiced their displeasure by
renewing at an alarmingly low rate.
Rumour has the rate as low as 20%.
Faced with this massive loss of revenue, Rage GM Stew Wilson has
reportedly postponed the construction of the team’s new 200 seat arena - Crown
Royal Place. Rage games will continue
to be held at the outdoor pond in downtown Skookumchuck.
MILE HIGH CANADIANS
Predicted Finish: 4th
Best Pick/Free Agent
Signing: With Keith Primeau holding out, Ron Francis
has taken over the position of #1 Centre.
He has gelled immediately with fellow Mile Higher Sami Kapanen and is on
pace to return to his previous scoring status.
Worst Pick/Free Agent
Signing: Tough call in this category. Although GM Rich Stone is the most
unprepared executive in the HHL, he did a marvelous job of drafting this year. Berezin, Rolston, and German Titov have all
gotten off to average starts, but they are all quality selections. As much as we hate to admit it, we can’t
find a single player to target as a potential bust.
Keys to Success: With three members of the Carolina Hurricanes, the key to success
for this squad will obviously be the performance of the ‘Canes. If Ron Francis and Sami Kapanen continue to
thrive together, and Arturs ‘Mini-me’ Irbe provides quality goaltending, the
Canadians could make their first run at a money position. The odds of this
happening however, are about as high as GM Stone’s chances of winning HHL’s
‘best dressed man’ award.
Off the Ice: Three year’s into Stone’s five year plan, and fans
still aren’t coming out to watch Canadians game at the old Corral in
Calgary. The HHL’s lone Alberta team
has tried everything to bring in the fans.
At this year’s Opening Night, Stone offered free lap dances for everyone
booking groups of 20 or more. Thousands
purchased group tickets, until fans discovered that Stone would be giving the
private dances, not a ‘professional gal’.
“What kind of kinky, perverted organization is that guy running,” cried
one disturbed fan. Stone was not
available for comment.
WALLI’S JETS
Predicted Finish: 5th
Best Pick/Free Agent
Signing: If Jonas Hoglund continues to play on the
top line, he could be the steal of the draft.
Never an overly gifted player, Hoglund has performed very well on Mats
Sundin’s left side, and even when the mighty Swede went down with injury, Jonas
continued to prosper. Can he keep it
up? Bet ya a Krispy Kreme?
Worst Pick/Free Agent
Signing: For this squad, we select the entire defence
corps! Jiri Slegr, Janne Niinimaa, and
Chris Phillips are all as one renowned HHL GM would call BUMS!! They all suck. Not one will surpass the 30 pt. plateau. We’d suggest an early trade to fill this
hole. Maybe ‘The Professor’ is
interested…………?
Keys to Success: ‘The trade’ will be the key
to the Jets success. If GM Mark
‘Treats’ Walli can capitalize on his great depth on the wing to the fill the
massive hole at centre and defence, they may be in business.
Off the Ice: In order to expand on his investment portfolio, GM Walli has
purchased the New York doughnut chain Krispy Kreme. “They’re the best doughnuts in New York,” explained Walli. “Besides, they’ll be great when attempting
to bribe Commissioner Livingstone. I
hear he likes the creme filled.”
KEVLAR
Predicted Finish: 6th
Best Pick/Free Agent
Signing: Phil Housley is old. Really old.
But since moving to team Kevlar, this geriatric wonder has done nothing
but put up solid numbers. We give him
one more season, then it’s off to the scrap heap.
Worst Pick/Free Agent
Signing: You’d think GM Kevin ‘Eth Ecto Skellie’
Tyfting would have learned from last year when he almost got stuck with
him. But no, he had to have Nelson
Emerson. If not for the good graces of ‘The Professor’ it would have been two
years in a row for this bum. Have
fun. Hope you like wingers that score
35 points.
Keys to Success: Always the brides maid, and
never the bride for this ectomorphian one.
President and General Manager Kevin ‘Eth Ecto Skellie’ Tyfting always
seems to be able to put together a pretty decent team. Never spectacular, team Kevlar always
finishes in the top half of the pool, but rarely challenges for a money
position. He is the Washington Capitals,
the Atlanta Hawks, the Kansas City Chiefs of the HHL. This year’s squad is no different. The back end must lead.
The strength of this team is on the blue line and in net.
Brian Leetch, Housley, and Al MacInnis form the best d-corps in the
HHL. The injury to MacInnis will hurt,
but Lumme should fill in nicely. Cujo
must stand on his head too, because he’ll be facing more rubber than a Richards
Street hooker.
Off the Ice: Rumours of GM Tyfting’s sexual ties to current HHL Commissioner
Davie Livingstone have continued to swirl.
Spoongate, as it has been coined by the local Agassiz media, has created
a constant distraction for Tyfting and may eventually prove to be his undoing.
JIMMY THE GEEK
Predicted Finish: 7th
Best Pick/Free Agent
Signing: Although, GM Pringle sent a
lackie to this year’s HHL Draft, his draft philosophy was clearly present
throughout. Talent up front wins hockey
pools, we’ll make do with the D and goalie.
As such, Pringle’s best pick-up was young C/W Chris Drury. With the injury to Peter Forsberg, this
former Hobie Baker winner will get plenty of ice time, and should score at
close to a point a game pace. Great
pick!
Worst Pick/Free Agent
Signing: Pick any of his defencemen. The wing and centre corps may be top notch
on this squad, but the D sucks. There
is no other way to put it. We’ll put Mathieu
Schneider’s name here because he’s American, and we think he’s an ass.
Keys to Success: The forwards must
rule, Mike Richter must return to
form, and last but certainly not least, GM Pringle must pull off a trade for one decent defenceman. Good luck Homer, quality D are about as easy
to come by as an uneaten hot dog at a Leeson family BBQ. (I know, I know, I’ve used that joke
before…..but you gotta love it!!)
Off the Ice: Pringle is planning a trip to the Far East in the next few weeks,
supposedly in search of a strategic partner.
Rumours are swirling that Malaysian underworld king-pin Kit-Leong Bo
Wong is actively seeking to purchase all or part of the Geeks. It is believed Wong wishes to move the team
to a new 20,000 seat arena in Bangkok, Thailand. “I could pay the stadium staff .10/hour and make a killing at the
gate”, replied Wong. When asked about
the rumour, Pringle commented, “I have
not even thought about selling, or moving my team. I’m trying my best here, and I don’t know how else to answer the
question. I really don’t think you’re
being fare. I’ve just had a spectacular
perogee and bacon lunch, and you’re ruining this special day,” added Pringle. A community group has been formed to try and
keep the Geeks in Vancouver. The ‘We
Love our Geeks’ campaign has begun a massive email campaign and is hoping to
set up a meeting with Commissioner Livingston to discuss the situation. We’ll offer Pringle a year’s supply of
Fudgeeos if he agrees to stay,” replied one Geek activist. “I only hope that’s enough for that greedy
little golf pro!!”
DINOSAUR NEIL
Predicted Finish: 8th
Best Pick/Free Agent
Signing: The one player that stands out on this squad
is Josef Stumpel. We realize that he was not picked up this year, but the fact
that the Dinosaur man had the foresight to realize that Stumpel would rebound
from a terrible 98-99 was huge. He may
be the difference between a playoff spot, and an early tee-off time.
Worst Pick/Free Agent
Signing: This one is easy. Vladamir Malakhov. Everyone
knew he was hurt. Everyone knew he was
going to be out for most of the season.
Yet, Neil still had to have him.
Dumb!!
Keys to Success: The Jurassic Express got off to a great start led by Robitaille,
Stumpel, and Belfour. These three
players are not good enough to carry a team all season though. Someone else must step up if this team is to
have a chance. Yzerman, Desjardins, and
Bondra must have above average seasons if this team is to stand a chance.
Off the Ice: After last season’s trade of Eric Lindros to the hated Rage, fans
put out numerous ‘hits’ on President and GM Deguzman. Lucky for the Dinosaur man, that the gentlemen hired were also
employed by fellow HHL GM Teddy ‘The Professor’ Kim. Kim promptly cancelled the orders, but let it be known that if
Deguzman didn’t slide at least one quality player his way this season, the hits
may be re-ordered.
BARNEY SOFTCORE
Predicted Finish: 9th
Best Pick/Free Agent
Signing: It took him an amount equal to half the
total GDP of the state of Mississippi, but Softcore managed to sign big Joe
Thornton to a multi-year deal. This guy
is going to be a quality centre for years to come. Pen this guy in on Softcore’s protected list for the next 10
years.
Worst Pick/Free Agent
Signing: Kevin Stevens was one of the top power
forwards in the game 5-6 years ago. He is now only a shadow of his former self,
and will never again regain that form.
The odds of him breaking the 50 pt. barrier are about as high as ‘The
Professor’ Kim making a good trade.
Keys to Success: As in past year’s this squad must be carried by the big three -
Selanne, Sundin, and Hasek. With Sundin
and Hasek both down with injuries, this may prove impossible. Time to start building for next year.
Off the Ice: With a below average squad this year, GM Softcore will continue
with his wacky promotions that made this franchise famous. From the team that brought you $1 Bud
Nights, and ‘If you married your sister, y’all get in free’ nights, comes
Softcore Family Nights. Each Family Night
ticket package includes, 4 tickets to the game, 4 Buds, 4 Soft Shell Crab
Sandwiches, and a free lap dance for Daddy*.
*Daddy
must be 14 years of age and older to qualify.
Lap Dances available on a first come, first served basis. Sorry, one dance per Daddy only.
THE WOO FOUNDATION:
Predicted Finish: 10th
Best Pick/Free Agent
Signing: Alexander Korolyuk may be a year or two away
from really busting out, but he also has the potential to score right
away. Ice time may be a problem in San
Jose, but if he gets the time, look out.
Love this guy! Alex Tanguay also
gets an honourable mention.
Worst Pick/Free Agent
Signing: How could a General Manager that is smart
enough to grab Tanguay and Korolyuk be stupid enough to pay big money for
Valeri Kamensky. He also selected the
often-injured Keith Jones………again!!
Double bush on these two guys!
Keys to Success: Rob Blake must stay healthy, Sandis Ozolinsh must
rebound after a terrible start, Adam Graves and Tony Amonte must score by the
bushel, and John Vanbiesbrouk must continue his amazing ride. Lots of musts. Ain’t gonna happen.
Off the Ice: After moving into Creatine Place this September, the Foundation
got off to a terrible start. The fickle
Sardis fans are already starting to stay away, and if this squad can’t turn
things around soon, the new barn could be empty. “Why would I want to sit in this mausoleum and watch that shitty
team, when I could be buying tickets to watch the cross-town Dynasty in the
classic Chilliwack Coliseum?” questioned one ‘Wack hockey fan. He went on to add, “I don’t care how many
wrestling acts he brings in between periods.
If the hockey sucks, I’ll stay home and watch the Dukes!”
FRY GUYS:
Predicted Finish: 11th
Best Pick/Free Agent
Signing: We love Valeri Bure. This kid may not be as flashy as his older
Mafioso brother, but wow can he put the puck in the net. Great signing!
Worst Pick/Free Agent
Signing: We hate Adam Oates. He’s as old as god, but slower. He can still dish the puck, but if Bondra’s
not flying, he doesn’t have anyone to dish the puck to. There were lots of quality centres available
when this geriatric was taken. Boo on
this guy!
Keys to Success: Khabibulin must sign yesterday, and the remaining quality players
must stay away from the injury bug.
Regardless of what GM Leeson believes, last year was a fluke. He had a team of overachievers that all went
off together. Nobody went down to
injury, and Buzz even got laid. Back to
reality boys. Wake up and smell the
hogies. The sign of a true quality team
is being able to succeed despite the injuries you experience. The fall of this squad shows how suspect
they really are. They are this year’s Washington Capitals of the HHL.
Off the Ice: The Campbell River Kid was in the running to sign Wayne Gretzky
as his assistant this off-season, but when Buzz informed Wayner that he’d be
participating in pre-game hot dog eating contests prior to every home game, the
Great One balked.
CHAOS
Predicted Finish: 12th
Best Pick/Free Agent
Signing: The only good move by this squad was to
acquire Gary Suter. Although Suter
didn’t lace em up last year, he’ll score a bundle on the power play.
Worst Pick/Free Agent
Signing: Flip a coin here. Josef Beranek is pretty bad, but so is Sergei Gonchar. Double bush on these guys!
Keys to Success: Bitches GM Jose Gomez-Garcia falls off his desk at work. Bangs his head on the floor, and is dazed
for two to three days. Sensing his
weakness, Club Chaos trades Gonchar and Iginla for Jagr and Kariya. Hey……you never know.
Off the Ice: Rumours out of Cranbrook have GM Reid being fired by the end of
the month. A big trade may save his
job, but the ‘Brook faithful have seemingly run out of patience.
KOREAN ASSASSINS:
Predicted Finish: Dead Last
Best Pick/Free Agent
Signing: The Professor actually did manage to pull
out a few quality selections. We think
Patrik Stefan is a true star in the making.
He will lead his team in scoring, and with this squad’s luck will finish
with 41 points.
Worst Pick/Free Agent Signing: Now don’t get us wrong. We love Bill Guerin. But
unless Bill Guerin actually steps on the ice, he’s a crappy pick. The longer he sits on the sidelines, the
worse this pick becomes. It’s one thing
to gamble with an unsigned player if the rest of your roster is intact, but
when you already have 3 players unsigned on Draft Day, why grab another? Dumb, Dumb, Dumb!
Keys to Success: Pull a Costanza. Whatever
your initial instinct is, do the opposite. Stay away from the bone-headed
trades! Don’t sell off your best
players for 50 bucks, and don’t trade for guys you can’t protect! If every
instinct you’ve ever had regarding this pool has been wrong, then the opposite
would be right………………..Think about it.
Off the Ice: Thanks to this ringing endorsement of the Assassins and their GM
Teddy ‘The Professor’ Kim, yours truly has just ensured my ‘early
retirment’. My next column will most
likely appear in the Government Protection Gazette.
I
hope you enjoyed this year’s ‘Picks. If
you have any questions, or criticisms regarding this article, please call
1-800-BITE ME.
Sicerely,
The
Bastard,
Senior
Editor, Rick’s Picks.