Rick's Picks for the 2000/2001 Hamber Hockey League.
Welcome to the 10th season of HHL hockey and the 4th
Annual Rick’s Picks Season Preview. A thousand apologies for the delay in production this year,
but when you consider our writer’s lack of both wit and humour, it should not
be unexpected. As in previous
years, we’ll evaluate each team in detail, and throw in the odd rip of Buzz
and Teddy for good measure. We’ll also evaluate all of the off-ice moves, and
give you a sneak peak as to who will be hosting the David Livingstone Memorial
Trophy this June. Here’s a hint,
there won’t be a repeat. So
without further delay, the much awaited, the much debated, Rick’s Picks
2000…
Predicted Regular Season Rankings:
THE
DYNASTY
Best
Pick/Free Agent Signing
Thanks to yet another expansion franchise, there were very
few quality players available in this year’s draft/free agency.
One of the few players that really stood out was Martin Straka.
Despite only having 94 million dollars of cap room available, the Bastard
got his man. Now completely
healthy, look for Straka to return to point per game form.
Worst
Pick/Free Agent Signing
The Bastard loves dark horses. Even if there are no quality players to be had, he still
insists on picking them! Say hello
to Marty Reasoner. He’s small,
slow, and can’t score. Kinda
reminds us of Geeks General Manager James Arthur Homer Pringle III.
Keys
to Success
It is probably a surprise to most, but despite the storied
history of this franchise, Rick’s Picks has never predicted the Dynasty to
walk away with the title. Why?
In October this squad always looks solid, but never fantastic.
What do we always forget? How
quickly this can change with just one phone call…………Hi, can I speak with
Teddy please.
Off
the Ice
Thanks to a string of 205 consecutive sell-outs, the Dynasty
has announced plans to build a new 16,000 seat arena located immediately next to
the old Chilliwack Coliseum. “It
will look nothing like Woo’s shitty Creatine Place, commented President and GM
Rick ‘The Bastard’ Ramsbottom. This
stadium will be all about class.” Although
Ramsbottom would not confirm the rumours, it is being whispered that the Hooters
restaurant chain has signed a 10 year naming rights deal for the new facililty.
Predicted
Finish: 1st
DINOSAUR
NEIL
Best
Pick/Free Agent Signing:
Nothing outstanding here, but the pick-up of Robert Lang will
prove to be very successful, especially with the early season injury to veteran
Stevie Yzerman. Look for Lang to
once again challenge the 70 point mark.
Worst
Pick/Free Agent Signing:
Another difficult selection. This team has no real superstars, but is full of quality
talent. Steve Thomas may the worst
of the lot here as father time may finally catch up to old Stumpy.
Keys
to Success:
A lack of depth is the one area of concern for this team.
With Yzerman out for 6-8 weeks, and Derek Morris still unsigned, the
Dinosaur can ill afford any further set-backs.
If everyone stays healthy, he may be dangerous.
If not, serious trouble.
Off
the Ice:
Nothing major to report here either.
Dinosaur DeGuzman is rarely seen or heard from during the season, making
rare appearances at Draft time and near the trading deadline.
Come on Neil, give us something…….
Predicted
Finish: 2nd
KOREAN
ASSASSINS
Best
pick/Free Agent Signing:
Stop the press! For
the first time ever, this publication is not predicting a dead last finish for
the Professor Kim. The drafting of
a quality young player such as Andrei Markov may finally be the turning point
for this joke of a franchise. Then
again, he’ll probably just end up trading him to the Dynasty for 30 bucks!
Worst
pick/Free Agent Signing:
It will be hard to top the performances of previous years in
this category (ie. I’ll take Nelson Emerson for $2). The Professor, after labouring over his last pick for what
seemed like hours, finally decided on …………..Michael Grosek. What a piece of crap player this guy is.
He is as slow as Pringle, has hands like Pringle, and is soft
like……well…Pringle. Shitty
pick!
Keys
to Success:
This one is easy. We
are simply going to cut and paste what we wrote last year.
The same rule still applies:
…Pull a Costanza. Whatever
your initial instinct is, do the opposite. Stay away from the bone-headed
trades! Don’t sell off your best
players for 50 bucks, and don’t trade for guys you can’t protect! If every
instinct you’ve ever had regarding this pool has been wrong, then the opposite
would be right………………..Think about it.
Off
the Ice:
President and General Manager Professor Kim has fired his
special advisor from last season and is determined to make amends for a decade
of futility. The worst GM in hockey
pool history is confident that with this front office shake up, he will make his
first trip into the HHL playoffs. Assassin
Season Ticket Holders are less positive dropping to record lows entering this
season. Only winning can turn this sorry excuse of a franchise around.
Predicted
Finish: 3rd
SPANISH
BITCHES
Best
pick/Free Agent Signing:
Once again, Mr. Happy has snagged a tender that no-one else
wanted. Byron Dafoe recorded the
most points in the HHL just two seasons ago, and now no-one wants him.
Hey Stone, a starting goaltender might be nice in your lineup.
We hate it when he gets away with this!!
Worst
Pick/Free Agent Signing:
Janne Laukkanen has a bad name, and a bad game.
He sucks…period! He has never scored anywhere.
Why will it change now. Laukkanen
and Timonen will battle it out for the 3rd defenceman on this squad.
Whichever player breaks 20 will win.
Keys
to Success:
For the past 3 years, this team has been built along the
wall. With Jagr, Kariya, Fleury,
and now youngster Lubos Bartecko, GM Happy has the best wing corps in the
HHL….sorry Buzz. As these guys
go, so go the Bitches.
Off
the Ice:
Ownership uncertainty is currently casting a dark shadow over
this franchise. According to one
league source, in an attempt to woo the Bitches south of the border, the mayor
of Las Vegas has offered first row season tickets at Cheetas Bar & Grill for
GM Garcia plus his entire front office staff. Expect an announcement on this one soon.
Predicted
Finish: 4th
THE
LIBERALS
Best
Pick/Free Agent Signing:
Brian Rolston has started faster than Buzz at an All You Can
Eat hot dog joint and is on pace to score well over 80 pts.
We all know this won’t happen, but if he can score 65 points it will be
a great pick. Ryan Smyth was also a
nice addition.
Worst
Pick/Free Agent Signing:
No doubt about this one.
Joe Juneau was a scorer when he broke into the league 10 years ago, but
now he’s just an overpaid 4th liner. Saku Koivu was also a terrible pick. He has had a major injury in each of the past 4 seasons, and
is out again for at least 2 months. Don’t
you love it when bad luck hits the Buzz man!
Keys
to Success:
The Trade! Tons
of depth at wing with 5-6 quality players.
You only want to count 4 though big boy and with a complete lack of
talent everywhere else on your roster, you’re going to have to move at least
one of them. This trade should be a
beauty and may determine which team wins the whole enchilada this season!
Asked if the Dynasty was interested in speaking with Leeson’s Liberals,
GM Ramsbottom commented, “I don’t care what the round man does, as long as
he stays away from The Professor Kim, he’s my bitch!”
Off
the Ice:
After failing to land Wayne Gretzky as Assistant General
Manager, GM Leeson will be turning to other means of generating attention for
his franchise. One of his new
promotional programs is ‘Cougar Nights’.
All women 40 years of age and older can attend Liberal games at 50% off.
Plus, at the end of the season, one lucky cougar will win a date with
guess who…….Buzz Leason!! What
a prize.
Predicted
Finish: 5th
THE
WOO FOUNDATION
Best
Pick/Free Agent Signing:
Luc Robitaille seems to be ageless.
As long as Lucky is playing in LA he can’t be stopped.
He loves LA, and LA loves him. Plus,
now that he gets to bang Janet Gretzky again on a regular basis, his confidence
is at an all-time high. It’s true!!
Worst
Pick/Free Agent Signing:
As much as we love Robitaille we hate Michael Nylander. We
can understand the fact that GM Woo Marchand can relate to players that never go
in a corner, but this guy has Woo’s hands to match!
His 54 pt. ‘outburst’ was a fluke and will not be repeated
again……ever. He truly sucks.
Keys
to Success:
Robitaille, Amonte and Roenick must carry the load and Rob
Blake can’t get hurt……oops. Maybe
next year Woo.
Off
the Ice:
With a collective yawn, the HHL welcomed former Portland
Winterhawk, former Kamloops Blazer, former Chilliwack Eagle, former Chilliwack
Chief, former…….Bryan ‘Suitcase/Big Ass’ Gourlie to the executive ranks.
Gourlie has no experience, no eye for talent, and no hockey sense
whatsoever……….yet he just became the most knowledgeable guy in the
Foundation front office. You have nowhere to go but up Big G, the boys in the HHL wish
your team bad health, and bad luck. Thanks
for the donation………….fat ass.
Predicted
Finish: 6th
THE
GEEKS
Best
Pick/Free Agent Signing:
Two words for everyone here. Maxim Overdrive. The
next Pavel Bure is a big talent and should score 30 goals this year.
Unfortunately, he will probably only get 20 assists.
Sorry Homer.
Worst
Pick/Free Agent Signing:
Tough to pick one player that really stands out for GM
Pringle. Druila is a shot in the
dark, as is Gaborik. I hate
Brisebois but he has gotten off to a nice start.
Too bad he’ll slow down faster than Buzz after the free wedding punch
has run out.
Keys
to Success:
This lineup is pretty slim, so the talented players must perform.
Mogilny has to score 60, Naslund must score 70, and Allison, Sakic, and
Drury must all break 80. If that
happens…..who knows. Yeah,
you’re right. The key for this
team will always be staying injury free.
Off
the Ice:
After years of off-season training programs that consisted of
beer, bacon, fudgeeos, and golf, Homer Pringle finally wised up and hired
training guru Steve Ramsbottom. Although
de Gush, as he is known in training circles, is the brother of Dynasty GM
Bastard Ramsbottom, there will be no questions of loyalty.
“I hate the Dynasty as much as anyone,”explained Gush.
He’s fart cupped me one too many times and I look at this opportunity
as a chance at payback. Strangely,
immediately following the interview, Gush proceeded to fart cup GM Pringle,
Commissioner Livingstone, and this reporter.
What a strange family!
Predicted
Finish: 7th
BARNEY
SOFTCORE
Best
Pick/Free Agent Signing:
We don’t really like any of the draft picks or signings
from this squad. Shane Doan may do
alright, but we don’t expect much. What porn piece were you watching during
the Draft Barn? At least he picked up future Norris Trophy winner Jerky Lumme.
Worst
Pick/Free Agent Signing:
Take your pick. Morozov
is a yet-to-be, Zednik is a never-will-be.
Oh yeah, Khristich sucks too!
Bombsquad
2000.
Keys
to Success:
Thanks to the watered down talent pool, this is yet another
team that must depend on its stars to have a chance.
Sundin has to snap out of his funk, Selanne is steady and should be fine,
and big Joe Thornton is a flat out stud. As
you recall, it cost Barn the equivalent to the GDP of the state of Mississippi
to sign this kid, but he was worth every crab cake.
The key factor to determining the success of this team will be what GM
Barney ‘Lunchbucket’ Hodgson will do with the Dominator.
If Hasek has a good year he will be much sought after by one of the top
contending teams looking to upgrade their goaltender.
If Barney can make the right deal, at the right time, this team could
make some noise.
Off
the Ice:
Once again, the Lunchbucketeers will have little chance at
contending for a title, so the whacky promotions that have made this franchise
famous will likely continue. Last
year’s Family Night package which featured 4 tickets, 4 Buds, 4 soft shell
crab sandwiches and one lap dance for daddy* was so popular that this program
will be offered at every home game. Building
on this success, GM Hodgson has also introduced post-game movies.
Debuting on Opening Night will be Knockerama 3, followed soon after by
Busty Bangkok Bangers. *As a reminder, one lap dance per daddy only.
Daddies must be 14 years of age or older.
Predicted
Finish: 8th
WALLIS
JETS
Best
Pick/Free Agent Signing:
The Moose may be approaching 40, but we believe the old
Warrior has one good season left. He’s
fired up about returning to the Big Apple and should perform well………as
long as he stays away from injuries, and Madonna.
Look for 60 points.
Worst
Pick/Free Agent Signing:
Unable to attend the recent HHL draft in person, GM
‘Treats’ Walli was represented by HHL Commissioner Livingstone.
Armed with only the ‘Prime Directive’ Livingstone performed so poorly
that other HHL General Managers were suggesting a mercy rule be put in effect.
The worst of a terrible lot taken by the Spoonman is probably Drake
Berehowsky, although Brian Rafalski is pretty bad too.
Actually, the King…..or in this case, the Queen of the crap is Michel
‘Swiss Miss’ Riesen. Somewhere
the hurting must stop.
Keys
to Success:
The Devils must carry for this team to have a chance.
With big John Leclair out until January and with a defence corps that
will not produce one 25+ point player, this team will be very lucky to sneak
into the playoffs.
Off
the Ice:
Always in search of a larger market, the former Winnipeg Jets
have now moved yet again landing in the Big Apple.
Whether Gotham can actually support 4 professional franchises is yet to
be seen, but the inaugural Livingstone Cup Champion will certainly give the
other teams a run for their corporate dollar.
GM Walli has also recently added to his collection of Krispy Kreme
doughnut shops. Unashamed, Walli
freely admitted that the additional supply of product was necessary to continue
the unchecked bribery of Commissioner Livingstone and other HHL officials. Treats added however that after the disgraceful performance
at the Draft, Livingstone may be cut off.
Predicted
Finish: 9th
TRI-CITY
FLOOD
Best
Pick/Free Agent Signing:
Tim Connolly is a future superstar and the only question is,
will he have enough points at the end of the season to be protectable.
He’s not a rookie, but what do you do at the end of the season if he
only scores 45 points. It will be a
tough decision for the new kids on the block, and hopefully you fuck up.
Worst
Pick/Free Agent Signing:
Dainius Zubrus has been selected by many HHL teams through
the years. In Philadelphia, he was
the next great winger to play with the Legion of Doom. When things didn’t work out, he was off to Montreal where
he was expected to blossom with less pressure and added ice time.
Well, nothing has ever materialized with this mental midget.
Don’t let the quick start fool you.
This guy is terrible. Lesson
learned expansion boys.
Keys
to Success:
Rick’s Picks is pleased to provide the league’s new
expansion team with the following keys to success in the HHL.
Rule #1: Trade with Teddy Kim as much as possible
Rule #2: Trade with Teddy Kim as much as possible
Rule #3: Trade with Teddy Kim as much as possible
Rule #4: Trade with Teddy Kim as much as possible
Enough said.
Off
the Ice:
Not much is known about the new Flood ownership group.
Rumours persist that the new guys are simply a puppet regime for former HHL
owner Bo Wong. Wong has been after
a new franchise for the Asian market for the past 3 years and may be simply
biding his time before this franchise is moved. Trouble may already be brewing however as Wong had instructed
that Petr Klima be selected in the last round in the recently completed Entry
Draft. When the Flood chose to
ignore this directive, Wong was livid. “I
told you to fucking take Petr Klima man! Do
as I say man or I’ll make you disappear.”
Predicted
Finish: 10th
CHAOS
Best
Pick/Free Agent Signing:
No question about this one.
He’s bound to slow down after his torrid start, but Brad Richards is an
absolute scoring machine. Combined
with Vinny Lecavalier, this pair could do some serious damage for years to come.
Worst
Pick/Free Agent Signing:
Lots to choose from here.
Matt Cullen is probably the worst of the lot. When will GM Cole Reid ever learn. Once shitty, always shitty.
Keys
to Success:
For this team to have a chance Brad Richards must score 220
points, and Lecavalier must score double that.
A few good players, but just not enough depth.
Off
the Ice:
Although his performance at the recently completed HHL Entry
Draft was much improved over previous years, many Cranbrookians are still crying
for GM Reid’s head. “How many
more years must this continue, cried a loyal Chaos fan.
He (Reid) must be insane or something.
Nobody can be this bad for this long.
Somebody, please fire his ass!”
Predicted
Finish: 11th
RARR’S
RAGE
Best
Pick/Free Agent Signing:
Everyone at Rick’s Picks agrees that the Rage paid too much
for young Henrik Sedin, but you’ve gotta love his upside.
He’s a fantastic playmaker, and should be a Rage for years to
come……..poor kid.
Worst
Pick/Free Agent Signing:
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Paul Coffey Stew? He’s
older than God, but at least the big guy has drawing power.
Keys
to Success:
This team is so bad we have to start thinking about next
year. Lindros must play, and play
well. If the Big E is done, the
Rage may be bad for a very long time. Hell,
there are no keys, this team sucks………great website though.
Off
the Ice:
Thanks to the team’s strong performance last year,
President & GM Stew ‘Where’s Geoff Courtnall when I need him’ Wilson,
was able to finally put the finishing touches on his pride and joy……the new
18,000 seat Marlboro Centre. Unfortunately,
during the first pre-season game of the year, the building started to leak.
Unknowingly, Raar hired the same developer that had built his leaky condo
to construct the new ‘Smokestack’. When
told of the leak, GM Wilson bellowed an ‘F’ bomb heard from Nelson to
Castlegar. Repairs are
expected to cost in the millions of dollars, and once again force the team to
return to the outdoor pond in downtown Skookumchuck.
Predicted
Finish: 12th
KEVLAR
Best
Pick/Free Agent Signing:
What do you do when your team is always in the middle of the
pack and has no stars under the age of 45?
You rebuild with youth. Brendan
Morrow fits perfectly into the new youth movement and should be a fixture on the
wing for years to come.
Worst
Pick/Free Agent Signing:
When you draft all kids, you always end up with a few
stinkers. Too early to tell which
one of the group is going to suck the most, but we’ll put our money on Ivan
Novoseltsev.
Keys
to Success:
Stay the course. President
& GM Kevin ‘Eth Ecto Skellie’ Tyfting must accept the short term pain
for long term gain. If this
franchise is out of the playoff chase, look for Tyfting to move veterans Doug
‘Killer’ Gilmour and Brett Hull for more kids and/or cash.
Hell, The Professor will probably give him a hundred million for the
pair!
Off
the Ice:
Please, someone let this circus die!
After severe public pressure, the Mayor of Agassiz has set up a committee
to officially investigate the now infamous ‘Spoongate’ scandal.
The alleged sexual relations between Kevlar GM Tyfting and HHL
Commissioner David Livingston has been a never ending embarassment to this
franchise and the HHL. “With a
pervert like Livingstone running that league, the City of Agassiz must seriously
reconsider it’s support for the Kevlar franchise,” responded Mayor Billy Bob
Tyfting. Commissioner Livingstone would not return our phone calls to
comment on the committee’s investigation.
Predicted
Finish: 13th
JUNGLE FEVER
Best
Pick/Free Agent Signing:
My mother always taught me, if you can’t say anything nice,
don’t say anything at all.
Worst
Pick/Free Agent Signing:
Oh well, I never really listened to my mom…………..This
whole team sucks!! Wooley, Albelin,
Shvidki………..the list goes on and on.
Keys
to Success:
Two words……Fire Stone.
Three more words……..Trade with Teddy.
Off
the Ice:
Four years into GM Richard Stone’s infamous five year plan,
Stone has announced another strategy……………the next five year plan.
At least Stu Jackson had the smarts to resign.
Expect this team to remain in shambles until the year 2010.
By then, Stone’s daughter will be running the franchise and will have
fired her dumb ass dad. Ladies and
gentlemen, may I introduce to you, this year’s winner of the Teddy ‘The
Professor’ Kim award as the worst General Manager in the HHL.
Take a bow Stone, it takes a lot to unseat the Professor.
Predicted
Finish: Dead Last!