Rick's Picks 2001/2002

Many apologies for the delay in releasing this year’s ‘Picks, but when the Playoffs and World Series are on, our writers never leave the lazy boy. But, now that the not so mighty Mariners have been unceremoniously bounced from the post season, and the Diamondbacks have beaten the Yankees in one of the best Series ever, it’s time for HHL Hockey! We’ve put the magnifying glass to each franchise and come up with this year’s pick to take home the much sought after David Livingstone Memorial Trophy. Will the Bitches repeat? Will the Foundation build on their playoff glory? Will Teddy Kim shock everyone with yet another bone-headed trade? Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the much awaited Rick’s Picks 2001.


WOO FOUNDATION
Predicted Finish: 1st

Best Addition:
Although most people stayed away from this guy like anthrax, GM Woo decided to take a gamble on winger Anson Carter. If he stays healthy and continues to play on the Oil’s top line, Carter may score 75-80 points. His hot start is a sign of what he’s capable of, but if he gets hurt again, he may become another in a long list of long-shots gone bad.

Worst Addition:
This one is easy. Martin Lapointe had a career year last year and racked up an astounding…57 points. Although he will be counted on to produce more in Boston, the lack of talent around him will hurt his point total. Lapointe is a great grinder, but grinders don’t win hockey pools! But hey, any player that misses a week with ‘bruises’ fits right in with GM Woo’s collection of cream puffs.

Keys to Success:
With the exception of Brett Hull, every single player on the Foundation has a history of injury problems. Lapointe obviously bruises easily, Carter has had problems with his shoulder, ditto for Guerin…Schneider, Zhitnik, and Blake have all missed big stretches, Roenick, Fedorov….etc. etc. Even Patrick Roy has missed some significant time to start this season. You get the drift. Also, on a side note, no team that has been predicted to finish 1st by this publication has gone on to win. Like the Sports Illustrated ‘Cover Curse’, you don’t want to receive this honour. Yet another obstacle for the Foundation to overcome...but we think they have the best chance to walk away with the title.

Off the Ice:
After switching building title sponsors from Creatine to Coca Cola, GM Woo is hoping to appeal to the family market. His between period wrestling acts simply did not go over well with the family dominated Sardis market. Season Ticket sales were fabulous over the off-season, but ironically most seats were purchased by fans of the cross-town Dynasty. It seems that with a waiting list of over 5,000 for Dynasty Season Tickets, the Chilliwack faithful will do anything to watch their team live…even if only 2-3 times a season. When asked what they were going to do with the tickets for the other 38 games, one fan responded, “Who gives a shit, we’ll no show just to make that jackass Woo look bad.” 

RARR’S RAGE
Predicted Finish: 2nd

Best Addition:
It may have cost him some serious jake, but the acquisition of Brendan Shanahan was a huge move for this squad. On a team with so many question marks, a steadying influence like Shanny fits in perfectly. Pen him in for 35 goals, and 75 points.

Worst Addition:
In a quantity over quality move, GM Wilson selected everyone’s favourite mobster Nikolai Khabibulin. Niky was once a great goaltender in this league…and in actuality he still is…unfortunately he’s backstopping the worst franchise in professional hockey history…and I don’t mean the Korean Assassins. The Tampa Bay Lightning are terrible and will finish in the bottom 5 again this year. General Manager Stewart Wilson has always been a terrible evaluator of goaltending talent, and this pick only goes to solidify that opinion. Absolutely awful!

Keys to Success:
GM ‘Raar’ Wilson has been building this team for two years and has put together an amazing core 6. With Magnificent Mario, the Russian Rocket, and the Big E, he certainly has the best collection of nicknames. And if each of these guys stays healthy, the Rage could run away and hide by early March. Ooops…too late. Mario’s already missed 3 weeks. Did you hear that F-Bomb too? Scott Gomez’s 3 points in 11 games is also reason for concern, but you have to love this team’s talent. 

Off the Ice:
Finally, after years of preparation, Marlboro Place opened it’s doors on Tuesday, September 25. In the first pre-season game of the year, the Rage defeated Cole’s Chaos 24 -2 in front of 12,450 rabid Rage fans. The HHL’s newest facility has all the amenities other buildings around the league have, with a few additions…smoking for example is permitted everywhere…in fact, it’s encouraged. Each fan gets a free pack on their way into the building, and two on the way out! Alcohol is also served in all sections, but the selection is limited to red wine, or moon shine. Beer, according to GM Wilson, is a sissy drink and has no place in his new building.


THE DYNASTY
Predicted Finish: 3rd 

Best Addition:
It’s still early, but Dynasty GM Rick ‘The Bastard’ Ramsbottom is quite excited about the start of Ron ‘I’m older than God’ Francis. For a measly $1, Francis joined the Dynasty as a Free Agent, and was expected to challenge for the 3rd counting centre position. But, after 16 games, the veteran has 18 points and has looked fantastic with young stud Jeff O’Neil. Will Francis slow down as the year progresses…probably, but we’re betting he’ll still finish with 75 points, and in the process piss off Barney to no end!

Worst Addition:
After years of miserable failures, Ramsbottom once again went to the darkhorse well in search of the next Teemu Selanne. This year's version is a flash-in-the-pan defenceman by the name of Andrew Ferrence. He sure looked good in the playoffs last year, but the Bastard should have learned from ‘The Professor’ when he gambled on Brian Boucher. A good playoff is simply that, a good playoff. Listening Woo? 

Keys to Success:
Like anyone else, the key for the Dynasty will be to stay healthy. Well, that is with the exception of Martin Straka. What a $%$$% joke! Bush!! All bad!! Anyone interested in a one-legged Czech?

Off the Ice:
Yet another new building opened it’s doors to the public in Chilliwack this September. The Hooter’s Centre is a beautiful 18,000 seat arena with a sense of tradition the cross-town Coca Cola Place lacks. Everything is first class including the exclusive Commissioner’s suite. The suite, allegedly built especially for HHL Commissioner David Livingstone, includes an ‘All You Can Eat’ chicken wing and rib buffet plus 4 topless waitresses hired to cater to your every whim. Although GM Ramsbottom was not available for comment, it is believed the suite was a prime factor in Commissioner Livingstone’s decision to allow Dynasty cohort Caley Benton into the HHL.


BARNEY SOFTCORE
Predicted Finish: 4th 

Best Addition:
How could anyone leave Tommy Salo unprotected? Until this disastrous move, the performance of the Flood’s rookie GM’s has been quite impressive, but hey the Flood’s loss is the ‘Core’s gain. Softcore GM Barney Hodgson had but one comment on the signing, “Thanks for the 100 pts. dumb asses, I hope you have fun with Johan Hedberg.” OUCH!

Worst Addition:
Hey, what does GM Hodgson love about Columbus? The town reeks, and so does its team. So why did the ‘Core take 3 players from this pathetic franchise? Espen Knutsen, Geoff Sanderson, and Deron Quint won’t score 90 points combined this year. We’ll take Deron Quint, but you could choose any of the three. Barney must have had one too many Buds pre-draft.

Keys to Success:
We love to rip the Softcore, but GM Hodgson has built a pretty deep team. There are no straight-out studs, but lots of solid talent…especially on the wing. If he can move one or two of the…EIGHT decent wingers he chose to select, he may be able to fill in a few holes elsewhere. 

Off the Ice:
After years of whacky promotions, Hodgson has finally decided to take it up a notch. New for this year is a string of special bobblehead blow-up doll nights! The first game is Debbie Schwartz bobblehead night (from Debbie does Dallas fame). Next up is Shania Swang bobblehead night (Knocker-rama II & III) followed shortly thereafter by Misty McGill night (Bigones.com). Hey Buzz, only one per person!


KEVLAR
Predicted Finish: 5th

Best Addition:
Tough call on this one. Martin Havlat is a great young player, but may still be a few years away. But with 11 points in 14 games, he’s a nice addition to a solid wing corps that already includes Mark Recchi and Paul ‘Get me out of Anaheim’ Kariya.

Worst Addition:
Marcus Nilson is a very soft Swede, and is playing on Florida’s 3rd line. He skates like a Sedin, and has the touch of a sledgehammer. Not a good combination. Say hello to 35 points.

Keys to Success:
As Paul Kariya goes, so goes Kevlar. If the Mightiest Duck can’t pick things up a notch, this team could slide to it’s usual 8-9 position. Kariya needs to get out of Anaheim like the Expos need to get out of Montreal…although I’m sure you already know who’s going to win that race.

Off the Ice:
Still unable to acquire the necessary funding to build a new arena in downtown Agassiz, Kevlar General Manager Kev Tyfting has allegedly submitted a formal request to move the franchise to Toronto, Ontario! 10,000 eager fans in hockey-mad Hog Town have already put down deposits for season tickets and 11-game Ecto Paks. Obviously, fans in the Ontario capital are unaware of this franchise’s pathetic performance over the past few years. Due to Tyfting’s close ‘relationship’ with HHL Commissioner David Livingstone, the move should be approved quickly.


THE LIBERALS
Predicted Finish 6th

Best Addition:
No doubt about this one, Kristian Huselius was on everyone’s list, but the Buzz man jumped on him like a nurse at a Halloween party. To date, Huselius is scoring at almost a point a game pace, and while he is not likely to continue at this rate, 65 points is within reach.

Worst Addition:
Trevor Linden was one of the best power forwards in the game, the heart and soul of the Vancouver Canucks…7 years ago! Now, big Trev is nothing but a young Kirk Muller. Great pick Buzz…if you like 30 point forwards! 

Keys to Success:
Like last year, Buzz has great depth and talent on the wing, but unlike last year, Buzz needs to use that depth to fill holes in other areas. His defence is pathetic and needs a serious overhaul. If GM Leason can make the right move, he could jump up the charts. If not, it’s another crap year for the PS2 jedi master.

Off the Ice:
President & GM Leeson spent the majority of the off-season scouring the globe in search of an investor to share in the losses of his struggling franchise. Amazingly, Leeson managed to convince Texas Rangers star Jeff Zimmerman to purchase 49% of the Liberals. Further details of the arrangement are not known, but it is believed Leeson also worked a movie deal into the contract. Leeson allegedly will be the Producer and Director of The Jeff Zimmerman Story - From Subway to Spago. No offence Zimm, but we’ll wait for the video.


JUNGLE FEVER
Predicted Finish: 7th

Best Addition:
Every second year, Glen Murray has a good year. 5 years ago, 34 points - 4 years ago, 63 points - 3 years ago, 32 points - 2 years ago, 62 points - last year, 32 points, this year……..we’ll go out on a limb and say 64 points.

Worst Addition:
Anyone remember when Haley first started crying at this past HHL draft? For those that don’t remember, it was in the middle of the mad bidding spree around Jan Hlavac. $64 million for a 3rd line winger?! Next time Stoney, listen to your daughter…she’ll be running this franchise some day and the sooner you listen to her advice the better. 

Keys to Success:
With the exception of maybe Jeff O’Neil, this team has no superstar. It must get production from everyone. Nobody can get a serious injury, and nobody can go into a prolonged slump. I know, I know, the odds of this happening is about the same as Stu Jackson being inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame, but hey you never know. We would advise Stone simply pray for the playoffs because that’s about as good as it’s gonna get. 

Off the Ice:
Five years into the five year plan, the Fever are on the verge of challenging for their first playoff spot. And like his mentor Stu ‘I still love Bryant Reeves’ Jackson, Stone is determined to follow his plan to success, or oblivion. What that plan is, no one is all that certain, but a move to Memphis can’t be too far behind. 


JIMMY THE GREEK
Predicted Finish: 8th

Best Addition:
Mark Parrish was a great scorer for Seattle in the WHL, but since entering the HHL, he has scored like J. Pringle at a Muscle and Fitness convention. This year however, Parrish has started faster than Buzz at an open bar wedding. 17 points in 13 games….11 goals, gimme a break! No, he’s not going to score 100 points, but 75 is very reasonable. Kudos also goes to the $2 signing of Robert Reichel.

Worst Addition:
We trashed this pick as soon as it was announced, and we’re happy to see our prediction ringing true. Brad Isbister has all the skills, except talent! Big Brad landed on the 3rd line, and hasn’t looked back. When GM Pringle returns from the jungle, Isbister will have doubled his points…from 10 to 20! Oh how we love it when we’re right!

Keys to Success:
While on his tour of the jungle, Pringle will bump into a half stoned Teddy ‘The Professor’ Kim. The Professor will promptly offer to trade Chris Pronger and Alex Tanguay for all Pringle’s pesos, 6 Dos Equis, and a 1st Round pick in next year’s draft. I know, I know, but hey stranger things have happened (See HHL trade history, code word Professor). 

Off the Ice:
GM Pringle is so convinced that this year’s version of the Geeks will be out of the running by Christmas, he has spoken to several GM’s about the availability of one Joe Sakic. The team’s most valuable player last year is too expensive for the now re-building Geeks, and could be moved before the re-draft. Remember, you heard it here first!


WALLI’S JETS
Predicted Finish: 9th

Best Addition:
Although we don’t expect him to keep up this torrid pace, Sami Kapanen looks to have finally turned a corner. The line of Francis, O’Neil and Kapanen work perfectly together. Francis the set up guy, O’Neil the power forward, and Kapanen the sniper. If he stays healthy, he could score 75 points.

Worst Addition:
When Pavol Demitra was bumped to the first line in St. Louis, the Blues became a one line team. Unfortunately, that left Cory Stillman playing with bums. When asked about Stillman’s disappointing start, Dynasty GM Rick ‘The Bastard’ Ramsbottom replied, “Thank god I didn’t get him. We were very high on Cory, but thankfully Treats Walli grabbed him before we did. Too bad for him, great for The Dynasty. Thanks Treats, have a Krispy Kreme on us.”

Keys to Success:
For Walli to rebound from a very average season, the Devil must rule in 2001/2002. The Jets have Patrik Elias, Petr Sykora, Brian Rafalski, Martin Brodeur, and Sergei Brylin. If the Devils have difficulty putting doughnuts in the jar, Treats will be left out in the cold. However, this team was built for the playoffs, and if they manage to squeak into the dance, look out! You do not want to play this team in the first round…or the second round…etc. etc.

Off the Ice:
This off-season, GM Treats Walli married his Law School sweetheart. While Walli was not available for comment, it is believed that if this team continues to perform poorly, Sue will simply take over! First on the ‘To Do’ list will reportedly be the firing of Walli as GM, and the trading of that bum Hoglund that her husband seems to love so much. “He’s ugly, and can’t score worth shit,” commented the Jets GM in waiting. “There is no room for someone like that on my….I mean this squad.”


THE SPANISH BITCHES
Predicted Finish: 10th

Best Addition:
This is one of those times when we’ll take a pass. Wow, this incredibly crappy draft rivals that of Softcore GM Barney Lunchbucket’s performance in 1992. Oh Jose, we’re so disappointed in you!

Worst Addition:
Ahh, this section is much easier…..Why does everyone keep picking Brendan Morrow? He has been scheduled for a ‘breakout’ year the past 3 seasons. He is a great young power forward, but in Dallas where Ken Hitchcock likes young players about as much as Buzz likes Stockwell Day, Morrow is destined to finish with <50 points. Hell, the way Dallas is playing so far, everyone is going to finish with under 50! 

Keys to Success:
The success of this team rides with two players. Jaromir Jagr is the best player on the planet, and must score out of his mind for this team to have a chance. Likewise, Roman Cechmanek must rack up shutouts like Richie Stone racks up snow men on the golf course. The latter is becoming more and more unlikely as Brian Boucher seems to have regained his starter’s role. There will be no repeat! 

Off the Ice:
After winning his second HHL title in 4 years, the Bitches were the first team to be awarded with the new David Livingstone Trophy. Gomez-Garcia paraded the trophy around at every league function, pissing off many rival GM’s in the process. “His little tour really burned my ass, said one GM. When the trading deadline comes and I see his number on the call display, I can’t see me answering it.” Payback truly is a bitch….a spanish bitch in this case.


COMOX CRUNCH:
Predicted Finish: 11th

Best Addition:
Although the acquisition was basically a mistake, the $2 Free Agent signing of Chris Osgood is sure looking good. After just 12 games, Ossie had recorded 9 wins including 2 shutouts. At this pace, the Red Wing castoff will rack up 146 points! With Eddie Belfour also on the roster, a deal may already be in the works which could significantly improve this sad sack team. Stay tuned for details…

Worst Addition:
Hmmm, where do we start…Ray Whitney is a bum, and so is Jiri Slegr. But, our award goes to Jan ‘The Man’ Hrdina. With men like this around, who needs chicks! Nice pick rookie.

Keys to Success:
Trade early, trade often. And as we have told all other new HHL GM’s…Teddy Kim’s cell number is 604-813-8766. Oh…here’s another hint for you. If ‘The Professor’ turns down your initial offer, make another one twice as lopsided! He’s more likely to accept that one…especially if you throw in an extra 20 bucks!

Off the Ice:
After successfully moving the old Dinosaur Neil franchise to Comox, Denton quickly changed the team name to Crunch, and introduced a new stylized logo featuring prominent colours of blue, silver, and black. Unfortunately, no matter how Denton messes with the packaging of this team, their talent will always be buried in the Jurassic period. 


THE KOREAN ASSASSINS
Predicted Finish: 12th

Best Addition:
Byron Dafoe, if healthy, is one of the best goaltenders in the league. We think he has finally overcome his recent knee injuries and should post very respectable numbers this season…unlike his new team.

Worst Addition:
So many players to choose from, so little time. One guy certainly stands out though. Felix Potvin is an embarrassment, and a terrible pick…even for ‘The Professor’. At least he got him cheap. 

Keys to Success:
It’s too late. There will be no success. Until this franchise fires their infamous GM and relegates him to the back boardroom - ala former St. Louis Blues boss Ron Caron, this franchise will continue to suck the hind tit. 

Off the Ice:
Who cares. With a Season Ticket base of 12, and no young up and coming prospects, Team Voodoo can’t even give their tickets away. 


TRI-CITY FLOOD
Predicted Finish: 13th

Best Addition:
Eric Daze may finally be turning his career around with 15 points in his first 16 games. Unfortunately, this great start is probably for not, as the rest of this squad is either injured or shitty. 

Worst Addition:
Lots to choose from in this category, but we’ll take Milan Kraft. He may turn out to be another Alexei Kovalev, but for now, he stinks like the old Hamber 1st floor ‘Office’. 

Keys to Success:
With so many injuries to start the season, the Flood have to be looking at next year. It has been rumoured that Brian Leetch, and Sergei Samsonov are both on the block and could be moved in an early season trade. One scenario has Samsonov and Leetch being sent to the Dynasty for Martin Straka, Eric Brewer, a future draft pick, and young winger Pierre Daigenais. Watch the release wire for more information….

Off the Ice:
After coming so close to winning the HHL title in their very first season, the Flood braintrust decided to take their franchise public. Shares of Tri-City Flood Inc. hit the TSE at 8:30am on Monday, August 15th. This is a team on the rise thought most investors, and it would only be a matter of time until the Flood brought a championship to the Coquitlam Sportsplex. Unfortunately, the HHL is not like any other business in the world, and winning is not nearly so easy. After rising to a price of $20 in mid September, shares of Flood Inc. can now be purchased for $0.50. What can we say Paul and Chris….welcome to the sophomore slump.


COLE’S CHAOS
Predicted Finish: Dead Last

Best Addition:
We’ll go with Miroslav Satan, but when you’re best addition has only 9 points in 15 games, you know that you’re in trouble. Better luck next decade Cole. 

Worst Addition:
How about Jiri Dopita, or maybe Marek Malik. From a bad lot, we’ll take John Madden. Madden is a great checking centre, but may we remind Mr. Reid that the objective of a hockey pool is POINTS!

Keys to Success:
Dig a very deep hole and hope that Chaos fans can’t find you…for if they do, they have vowed to tar and feather you in the Cranbrook city square.

Off the Ice:
No new arena, no ticket sales, no broadcast deals, no talent, no chance! We recommend that Mr. Reid start to save up for that extra 20 bones he’ll be paying out at the end of the season.

FINIS.