For seven consecutive years, the fabulous writers at Rick’s Picks have been kicking the tires on all HHL teams to see who has what it takes to bring home the much sought after David Livingstone Memorial Trophy. This year is no different. Although delayed in its release due to our editor’s honeymoon, we’re back with a vengeance! As last year’s format seemed to work well, we’re going to run with it. No sense re-inventing the wheel. Beware Professor, we have you in our cross-hairs once again. You too Buzz! As always, you two will remain our favourite pin cushions. Anyways…it’s time to get after it. May I present, the much awaited, the much debated, Rick’s Picks 2004

The Liberals

Predicted Finish: 1st

The Liberals have never won a Championship and are a lot like the Red Sox of the HHL, but as everyone knows, the sun shines on a dog’s ass once in a while, and when your ass is as big as GM Leeson’s, I guess it was only a matter of time. In 2004, the second most hated HHL team of all time will rise from the ashes to snatch the David Livingstone Memorial Trophy. Good thing Davie lives on the ground floor.

On the Wall:

Here lies the strength of the Liberals. They have without a doubt, the strongest wing corps of the entire HHL (damn, we hate saying that!). With the addition of Markus Naslund, Leeson now has three 1A wingers. Justin Williams is a star in the making, if he can stay healthy, and Daniel Sedin appears ready to breakout. Let us point out however that this group could have been even stronger had Leeson not pulled one of his infamous bone-headed draft day moves by selecting Jan ‘The Man’ Hlavac, and Maxim ‘Pocket Poofter’ Afinogenov.

Grade: A+

Up the Middle:

Radek Bonk is off to a great start, but we all know that he’ll finish no higher than 70-75 points. Brendan Morrison is off to a bit of a slow start thanks to Big Bert’s stumble out of the gate. Don’t worry about little Mo though, he’ll get his 65 points. Nothing spectacular here, but it should be good enough considering the strength at wing.

Grade: B+

On the Back End:

Leeson’s back end is as soft as well…his own. Sydor is a solid #3 d-man, but shouldn’t be the number one guy. Yannick Tremblay only has 5 points thus far and considering how hot Atlanta has been already, not much else can be expected from him. A trade is needed badly, here or…

Grade: C

Between the Pipes:

Jeff Hackett is finally back-stopping a solid team, but he is after all…Jeff Hackett. His health will last about as long as a six-pack of Oscar Meyers in GM Leeson’s fridge. Once again, a trade will be needed to ensure the Liberals Championship. The question we are all asking, and partly hoping, is will Leeson have the guts to make the deal that sends Justin Williams packing for that critical last piece to the puzzle.

Grade: C+

The Comox Crunch

Predicted Finish: 2nd

After completing the blockbuster of all blockbusters, the Crunch have re-tooled and are ready to rock. Although severely top heavy due to a terrible performance by GM Denton on draft day, this squad has what it takes to make some noise and possibly challenge the Liberals.

On the Wall:

Kovalchuk, Kovalchuk, Kovalchuk! He has more points than the entire wing corps of the Soft Core…and is only getting better! The heir to Pavel Bure’s thrown, Kovalchuk is now the most exciting player in the league. Combine this energy with the power of Big Bertuzzi, and you have the start of a great group. Unfortunately, Denton’s idea of addition was Mike York and Marco Sturm. What a shame.

Grade: A

Up the Middle:

Joe Thornton, acquired at the deadline from the Core, is a stud. He can punch your lights out, and then light the lamp for three goals. Steven Reinprecht could be a huge addition, if he can stay healthy, but he’s a huge gamble to be your #2 guy. Rucchin had one good year last year, but he’ll be hurt again by Christmas. Playing behind Fedorov is also killing him.

Grade: B

On the Back End:

Like the other three positions, the Crunch have a stud to anchor the rest. Sergei Gonchar…long the poster boy for the Gibson Greek’s now makes Comox his home. Regardless of whether Jamy Jagr is pouting or not, Sergei continues to put up big points. Modry should be OK as a #3, but Denton will need to work the wires for another guy.

Grade: B

Between the Pipes:

Two guys, two average starts. Both Marty Turco and Dan Cloutier could be solid #1 tenders. Unfortunately, both have issues. Turco hasn’t been able to stay healthy for an entire season and his team is not what it once was. Cloutier is cursed to play in Vancouver where good goalies go to die. If one of these guys can break out, the Crunch have strong up-side.

Team Chaos

Predicted Finish: 3rd

For the first time in HHL history, Team Chaos finally managed to crack the Top 4. It must have been embarrassing always finishing in the bottom half of the league, but thanks to the bleeding hearts that run the HHL, GM Cole was given more handouts than Newfoundland. It took a decade or so, but it looks like he’s finally figured it out. "Oh…so the guys are supposed to be able to score points. I get it now!"

On the Wall:

Not much has changed since last year, with the exceptions of Steve Sullivan and David Vyborny. These are another two lunchbucket types that should fit in well with Iggy, Ryan Smyth and the Dark Lord Satan. Nothing too exciting, but solid all around.

Grade: B+

Up the Middle:

Although the young ‘Ning are off to a bit of a slow start on the scoring front, this is the strongest center group of the league. Peter the Great is well…great. He’s the best player in the league and should challenge for another scoring title. Brad Richards and Vinny Lecavalier are solid players and will both score 65+ points. Good thing GM Reid didn’t trade any of these guys, or he’d be hanging by his entrails in the streets of Cranbrook.

Grade: A+

On the Back End:

Paul Mara has started faster than Richie Stone at an all you can eat sushi joint, but there’s no way that he’ll keep this up. Filip Kuba and Nick Boynton will also be average at very best. Lastly, is anyone else taking a big sigh of relief that they didn’t take a gamble on Brad Stuart?! This group sucks. Changes are needed to stay in the Top 3.

Grade: C

Between the Pipes:

How do you shut up your critics in the media…post three shutouts in your first ten games. You just had to know that as soon as the Professor Kim let this kid go, he was destined for greatness.

Grade: B+

Walli’s Jets

Predicted Finish: 4th

The team that no one wanted to play in the first round will finally have some home-ice points to play with this time around. After never finishing lower than 8th place in the previous six seasons, the Jets stumbled last season finishing in 10th spot and out of the playoffs. Following a bizarre youth movement that featured little to no free agent spending, the Jets have somehow managed to assemble an impressive squad that could challenge for a top four spot …and consistently challenge for a long, long time.

On the Wall:

No big names, but lots of talent. Patrik Elias should lead this group as it looks like his scoring woes are finally behind him. Rick Nash is the real deal already, and Mike Johnson seems to have finally turned the corner on a disappointing career. Henrik Zetterberg would have battled with Ray Whitney for the fourth spot had he not had his leg tapped by Bryan Allen. Like the Liberals Williams, Zetterberg may be the trade bait needed to solidify this roster.

Grade: B+

Up the Middle:

Some concern here, but with the strong wing corps, Treats Walli only needs two centers to make the grade. I don’t think Todd Marchant and Tyler Arnason can do it though, so David Legwand will need to take a step up. Again, that trade word rises to the surface as something needs to be done in this area if the Treatsmeister is to have a chance.

Grade: C+

On the Back End:

Who the heck is Marek Zidlicky? This great pick-up looks fabulous next to Brian Rafalski. Adam Foote will get hurt in a matter of weeks (left this in because we wrote it before his injury!), so Jaroslav Spacek will be the #3 guy. Assuming that Zidlicky is the real deal, this crew could be set.

Grade: B

Between the Pipes:

Martin Brodeur is the cornerstone of this franchise. GM Walli has held on to him like a warm Krispy Kreme and no matter what the trade offer, was unwilling to move his pride and joy. The patience will pay dividends as he’ll once again rack up 100+ points.

Grade: A+

The Woo Foundation

Predicted Finish: 5th

No Guts, No Glory. GM Woo should read this book and take its message to heart. Always in the center of the action on the verbal side, this Chilliwack chump is always on the outside looking in when the trade deadline approaches. Until he shakes this fear of taking a risk and departing with his supposed ‘stars’, the ‘other’ Chilliwack franchise will never bust a money spot. The walls of Creatine Place have been shaking with the chants of ‘Woo Out, Woo Out" and unless things improve for this mediocre franchise, fans may get their wish.

On the Wing:

Hello Grumpy Old Men. The best days of Recchi, Hull, and Guerin are all behind them, but they may have one last run left in them. Although Recchi has started faster than Woo at a cougar convention, he should slow to a 65 pt. pace. Holmstrom or Langenbrunner won’t cut it at the fourth spot.

Grade: Senior Discount

Up the Middle:

Sergei ‘Detroit Dreamin’ Fedorov’s move to the west coast hasn’t hurt his scoring touch. Jeremy Roenick is also on the down side of his career, but should be good for one more 65 pt. campaign. As expected, Jozef Stumpel is hurt already and probably won’t be a long term solution for GM Woo. Nieuwendyk, while a great performer, is also too old to make much noise. Hey Woo, maybe you should change your building naming rights deal from Creatine to Exlax!

Grade: Older Than Dirt

On the Back End:

Rob Blake is still the man in Colorado and should put up his usual 45-60 points. Scott Niedermayer will continue to be stifled in New Jersey’s system and will be fortunate to crack the 40 pt. mark. Speaking of Niedermayer, isn’t it frustrating how every season, the ‘other’ hockey publications constantly make bold predictions that this will be the year for Niedermayer, yet in the end, nothing ever changes. Jay Bouwmeester isn’t ready yet to put up any serious points so Woo will have to make a move to complete this group…yeah, I know, better odds of Buzz going vegetarian!

Grade: B (no old jokes with Bouwmeester in the mix)

Between the Pipes:

GM Woo spent big money on Dominik Hasek, and although no one seemed to think this at the time, the move is a big gamble. First off, he’s 39 years old. While this fits in well with Woo’s Cougar Movement, age eventually catches up with everyone. Now, we’re not saying that Hasek can’t turn things around, but the years of 100+ points with 8 shutouts is long past.

Grade: Older Than God

The Tri-City Flood

Predicted Finish: 6th

Flood Inc. finished off a tough 2002/2003 fiscal campaign by squeezing into the playoffs one point ahead of the rival Spanish Bitches. It was an injury-plagued season for a team that had the promise to do so much more. This year’s version of The Flood have no such prospects however. They’ll struggle to get into the playoffs yet again, and if Stevie Y has continuing knee problems, or if Ziggy can’t stay out of jail, their struggles could mount.

On the Wall:

How many HHL GM’s had Mariusz Czerkawski on their radar screens? Honestly? We heard rumblings from a handful, but that’s it. Back on the wing with Alexei Ya$hin has done wonders for turning around the Polish Pantywaste. Last year at this time, he was in the minors, now he’s leading his team in points. Add in Ziggy, Sergei Samsonov, and Alexei Kovalev and you have the makings of a soft, but talented corps.

Grade: A

Up the Middle:

Give me a break. With early injuries, concussions, bad picks, and bad luck, this is the worst group of centermen that exist in the entire league. Picking the Flood to finish 6th, with this awful crew, is a sign of how shitty all the other teams are.

Grade: D

On the Back End:

Lubomir Visnovsky is one of the moodiest players we have ever seen. After a breakout rookie campaign that saw him score 39 points, he reverted to an ultra-average d-men (21 and 24 pts.). To begin 2003 however, he’s scoring at a point a game pace. Would the real Luby please stand up! We’re betting on 40 points max. Jovo on the other hand should bust 40, as long as he doesn’t over think things. Folks around the league don’t call him Special Ed for nothing. Don’t think Jovo, you’ll only hurt the club! Tanabe and Johnsson suck so we won’t waste the ink discussing their exploits.

Grade: B

Between the Pipes:

Ottawa is awesome. Lalime will play 80% of the games for Ottawa. Lalime will get many points.

Grade: A

The Dynasty

Predicted Finish: 7th

The Dynasty has never missed the playoffs, and this season will be no exception. The re-building continues this season as instead of tanking at the deadline for better picks and more money (as some in this league have been known to do!), GM Ramsbottom tried to get younger AND make the playoffs. Dynasty fans across the country would expect nothing less from Canada’s team. The storied club is nowhere close to challenging for a title this season however, and will be in a battle with 4-5 clubs for the last few playoff positions. Off the ice, Dynasty GM Rick ‘The Bastard’ Ramsbottom would not divulge how much money Electronic Arts paid out to use the Dynasty name in their lastest NHL 2004 game. EA Marketing VP, Steve Smith offered the following comment however, "The Dynasty is synonymous with winning and professionalism, and we could think of no other franchise to have our gamers model their own teams after."

On the Wall:

As with most other positions for the Dynasty, this group is very average. Keith Tkachuk can be a star if he stays healthy. Martin Havlat is a star on the rise, but after missing all of training camp, and the pre-season, the breakout year will need to wait. Shane Doan is a solid two-way guy, but two-way guys don’t mean much in the HHL. Score damn it score! Kyle Calder could jump into the Dynasty’s Top 6, then again, he could also fall into the Professor’s.

Grade: B

Up the Middle:

Following the trade of long-time Dynasty member Mike Modano, a hole emerged that hasn’t been seen in the Wack for a long while. First, there was Burnaby Joe, then Doug Weight, then Mike Modano, but now…Jeff O’Neil is the best of again, a very average lot. Is it re-draft time yet?

Grade: C+

On the Back End:

Has anyone seen Derek Morris? Anyone at all? The once promising defender has been AWOL on Colorado’s power play and is slugging along at a 20 point pace. While Lidstrom remains the god of all blue liners, he needs help. GM Ramsbottom’s latest gaff on the rookie front came in the form of Carlo Colaiacovo won’t be of any help any time soon…if ever. What a terrible pick!

Grade: C+

Between the Pipes:

David Aebischer could be the saviour for the Dynasty, racking up big points on a his way to a Stanley Cup. Then again, he could turn out to be yet another prissy ass Swiss Miss who has a few rough starts and pouts in a corner. Sean Burke could also go big time…but only if he gets traded. Long shots all over the place equate to an entertaining, but dangerous season for the once mighty Dynasty.

Grade: B

Rarr’s Rage

Predicted Finish: 8th

Oh how the mighty have fallen. Rarr’s reign at the top of the HHL will not last long. Mr. Yo Yo may even finish lower than this depending on his mood at the time, and how badly he feels the need to dump heading into next season…but as the hated Fever have most of his draft picks, he may finally suck it up and make a run at the post-season. Only time will tell for this pride swallowing shade.

On the Wall:

The talent is here, but so is the curse of Valeri Bure. Alfredsson is a great player and finally seems to have figured out the way to stay healthy (now if that’s not a jinx, I don’t know what is!), Glen Murray has figured out how to score in the even years, and Lucky Luc is back at home with Janet Gretzky and scoring like GM Wilson used to at the old Cranbrook Hall dances. Jamy Jagr is pouting however…again, and despite having more talent in his big toe than the rest of the league combined, this chump is looking to mail in another season.

Grade: B

Up the Middle:

We hate Petr Nedved. Despite this hate, many HHL GM’s had placed a bullseye on this bum as the guy they wanted at free agent time. Lucky for everyone, GM Wilson outbid us all for this guy’s services…it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. Oh…and Mario’s old and is playing with shit, and Olli Jokinen will never score more than 65 points in Florida.

Grade: C+

On the Back End:

It’s back to realty for Mr. Boyle. After a breakout season in 2002/2003, Dangerous Dan has come falling back to earth and will reach 40 pts in his dreams alone. The rest of this group reeks of mediocrity. No one will reach 35 pts.

Grade: C

Between the Pipes:

My oh my Jean-Sebastien Giguere. I love these stories. Player has one good year and carries team to a whisker of the Cup. Player thinks he’s the man now (after one good season!), and doesn’t have to work hard anymore (after one good season!), and he also wants a bunch more money (after one good season!)…and he shits the bed. The only condolence for GM Wilson is that Marty Turko has also reeked…after signing his big new deal…(after one good season!)

Grade: C+

Jungle Fever

Predicted Finish: 9th

The weakest GM in the HHL over the past three seasons (yes, I’m including the Professor in that!) might have made his best decision ever by no-showing to the league entry draft. Long on smarts, but short on any hockey knowledge, GM Stone probably reasoned that if the reason he loses so badly every year is that he is a shitty evaluator of talent. The best thing for him to do therefore would be to simply not show up and let someone else evaluate available talent. Unfortunately for Stone, this brilliant strategy cannot compensate for years of mismanagement. 2003/2004 will be yet another ‘re-building’ year in the never-ending five-year plan of Rich ‘Stu Jackson’ Stone.

On the Wall:

Average, average, average. Chris Drury is the best of the bunch, but as he’s in Buffalo, he’ll never score more than 70 points. The talent pool drops off rapidly from there with Mike Knuble, JP Dumont, and the disappointing Simon Gagne. Next.

Grade: C+

Up the Middle:

Is it possible to pick five softer centers? Robert Lang, Alexie Ya$hin, Henrik Sedin, Vincent Damphousse, and Patrick ‘I’ll have a breakout year when I’m 30’ Marleau. These guys couldn’t fight their way out of a Jim Pringle headlock. They will score the odd point though and may be the reason why Stone finally makes a brief playoff appearance.

Grade: B

On the Back End:

Stone was fortunate enough to collect a good group here. Adrian Aucoin never leaves the ice so gets points by default. Sandis Ozolinsh has always been able to score, and Roman Hamrlik will picks things up and be a solid #3 guy. No rips here.

Grade: B+

Between the Pipes:

After acquiring Evgeni Nabokov in a terrible deadline deal that sealed the 2001/2002 title for the Bitches (no, I haven’t forgot!), he’s been a terrible underachiever. Now, Nabokov is cursed to be a member of two shitty teams that will never win anything for the next decade.

Grade: C

Korean Assassins

Predicted Finish: 10th

Slowly, but surely, the worst GM in hockey pool history is figuring things out. He didn’t trade Alex Tanguay last season, when everyone was knocking on his door, he kept Tony Amonte in hopes of a turnaround year in Philly, and he grabbed Mattias Ohlund despite his injury problems. Then again, he also let Jose Theodore go and replaced him with Tommy ‘I can’t stop a beach ball’ Salo. I guess we shouldn’t expect too much too soon, but at this rate, The Professor won’t see a money position until 2010.

On The Wall:

Tony Amonte is off to a good start in Philly, but you know that Ken Hitchcock won’t take the cuffs off this still dangerous sniper. He’ll lead the group, but won’t break 65 points. Viktor Kozlov, Brendan Morrow and Martin Straka are all wild cards and no one knows which direction they’ll fly. If the Professor’s luck continues, they’ll all get hurt…or if one of them does manage to stay healthy and produce, TK will no doubt trade him for cash and picks. What the @#$#, there’s always next year…dude.

Grade: C+

Up the Middle:

Holy Alex Tanguay! This guy is softer than Homer Pringle’s boiler, but damn can he score. Daniel Briere and Scott Gomez will provide unspectacular support, both probably finishing in the 50-55 point range.

Grade: B+

On The Back End:

Matty Ohlund is a horse, but like past years, we just can’t see him staying healthy. Andrei Markov and Eric Brewer are not producing right now, and unfortunately, appear to be falling into the never-ending break-out year spiral.

Grade: C+

Between The Pipes:

Tommy Salo is on the slippery slope to retirement. He was once one of the most solid tenders in the league, but now reeks like a mid-summer’s day in the Wack.

Grade: C

The Spanish Bitches

Predicted Finish: 11th

What a terrible way to start a season. Your best player gets in a car accident and is gone for at least one year. Mind you, it couldn’t happen to a nicer bitch. This team did have some promise out of the gate, but over time, you need talent to win in this league, and this group is so lacking that not even a handful of lopsided Cranbrook Connection trades will help.

On The Wall:

Without Heatley, Marian Hossa has to carry the group by himself. As GM Ramsbottom does in the traditional Spoon vs. Trash golf matches, Hossa will succeed for a while, but eventually, the weight of his partner/teammate will break his back.

Grade: C+

Up The Middle:

Shitty McShitty is how we would describe this bunch. Pavel Datsyuk is more over-rated than Dem Bones and if he’s the best of the group, may I suggest starting over.

Grade: D

On The Back End:

Mathieu Schneider is fitting right in with the rest of the Old Fart Red Wings and looks to be on the verge of another solid season. Mike Van Ryne and the next great Finnish rookie, Joni Pitkanen will fade quickly after their solid starts and will both fall in the 25-30 point range. Not good enough to make a run at the playoffs.

Grade: C+

Between The Pipes:

Roman Cechmanek has been traded to the perfect team. LA won’t make the playoffs for the next few years, so who cares if he sucks in the post-season. He’s a great regular season guy, and may be the perfect trade bait for someone looking to make a run. Jocelyn Thibault is also a solid tender, but Chicago is going to stink worse than the First Floor Hamber Office (for those non-Hamber guys, just trust me) and thus will not rack up big points.

Grade: B

The Gibson Greeks

Predicted Finish: 12th

Sometimes, it just hurts to watch. A player’s name gets called out, GM Pringle starts twitching, his face turns beat red as the player he’d had his heart set on gets snatched from his grasp. He panics and looks for the next best guy on his list. Finding no one that really stands out, he panics yet again and selects…Radim Vrbata…and then…Martin Rucinsky. Year after year we watch this movie unfold before our eyes. Somewhere, the hurting must stop…but not this year.

On The Wall:

Now that Marian Gaborik is back, things should improve at this position, but even with Gabby and mighty mouse Martin St. Louis, there’s just not enough gas to fire anything up. The most painful guy of the group is Chuck Kobasew. I mean come on…how many years does this guy have to explode in the pre-season only to implode once things start for real!

Grade: C+

Up The Middle:

Doug Weight and Joe Sakic are solid, and represent the strength of this year’s Greeks. Petr Cajanek has promise, but as with most talent young guys that bear that Greeks logo on their chest, he’s hurt before the first month is over.

Grade: B+

On The Back End:

Chris Pronger looks to be rounding back into form and should post solid point numbers now that Al ‘Older Than Dirt’ MacInnis is out for the season. The rest of the d-core is terrible though including the massively underachieving Kim Johnsson.

Grade: C

Between The Pipes:

The Bulin Wall is off to a great start, but unfortunately for Gibsons hockey fans, it won’t be enough to hold back to the rushing flood waters. It’s white flag time…see you on the Links Jimmy P!

Grade: A

Barney Hardcore

Predicted Finish: 13th

How could this happen.? From first to thirteenth in one season! GM Hodgson must have learned a few things from Stew ‘The Dumpmeister’ Wilson. Unfortunately for Hodgson, his blockbuster trade that guaranteed his first title may cripple this franchise for many years to come.

On The Wall:

Andrew Brunette, Alexander Mogilny and Teemu Selanne make a decent top three. Unfortunately, they’re all on the down-side of their careers, and all off to below average starts. Adam Deadmarsh was a terrible pick and may not play for the next decade. Some depth would have been nice, but for some reason, GM Hodgson instead decided to take 9 centers!

Grade: C+

Up the Middle:

Speaking of which…no shortage of depth here, just a shortage of talent. GM Hodgson must have been taking swigs of bad Bama Whisky between picks. But hey, if someone wanted to collect the best two-way centers…the guys that could really shut down the other team’s top line, you’ve come to the right place. Bobby Holik, Mike Peca, Keith Primeau and Ron Francis are all great in that regard. Unfortunately, the objective in this pool is points and the guys Hodgson has who are supposed to score are either hurt (surprise, surprise, the flake Zhamnov is hurt already…probably a bruise!), or off to incredibly slow starts – ie. Modano, Cassels.

Grade: C

On The Back End:

Sergei Zubov has been scoring for the past ten years, and shows no signs of slowing down. Brent Sopel has been the reason why Rage GM Wilson has added 50% more grey hair to his Canuck loving head, but the kid can score once in a while. Tomas Kaberle should also be a solid guy and will score. Too bad this great back end is wasted.

Grade: B

Between The Pipes:

Eddy Belfour is off to a decent start yet again, and fortunately for the ‘Core, as the Leafs have no real back-up, he’ll play 70-80% of the games. That should translate into 85-90 points.

Grade: C+

Kevlar

Predicted Finish: 14th

Like the New York Rangers of the NHL, sometimes money just doesn’t matter. Kevlar went into Free Agency with almost an unlimited budget. He could take anyone he wanted…and he ended up with bums. We might as well start calling him Slats because Ecto has been doing this for years. Not even his intimate relationship with Commissioner Livingstone will save him from finishing near the basement. The only thing you should be thankful for Ecto is expansion! For without the Crew, you’d be sucking the hindest of hind titties.

On The Wall:

Cory Stillman was a nice pick-up, but the jury’s out as to whether he’ll be able to continue at his current pace. Paul Kariya is a stud, but hurt studs are about as good as down-hill skis in Toronto. Bondra and Owen Nolan are old, and will need Viagra on a daily basis to get any action in the points column.

Grade: C+

Up The Middle:

Ladislav Nagy has started off faster than Buzz at an open-bar wedding (hey, I know I use this joke every year…but you gotta love it). He and Jason Spezza could be the core of the new Kevlar…too bad they’re having to drag around Pierre Turgeon for one more year. Is it me, or did he get REALLY bad REALLY fast?!

Grade: C

On The Back End:

The two prized free agent signings of Kimmo Timonen and Wade Redden have so far been total busts. The rest of the group stinks too, with the exception of Big Al MacInnis, but he’s out for the remainder of the year. Man, it must really hurt to have five defencemen, but no one over five points!

Grade: F

Between The Pipes:

Ollie the Goalie used to be one of the top five tenders in the league. He’s still not that bad, but backstopping Kevlar and the weak Washington Capitals has finally taken its toll. Godzilla is down, and from all counts out.

Grade: D

Kurgen’s Killer Krew

Predicted Finish: Dead Last

Right out of the gates, you knew this franchise was in trouble. GM Elliott selects a name and logo that causes riots in Alabama…forcing the Krew’s first game against the ‘Core to be re-scheduled. As if the name wasn’t bad enough, Elliott proved that he’s equally bad at selecting players choosing such star performers as Dick Tarnstrom, Saku Koivu, and Eric Daze. Selections like these remind us of another General Manager that was also in over his head…anyone remember Blue Edwards, Greg Anthony, and Benoit Benjamin?

On The Wall:

The wing corps is probably the strength of this woeful team. Ales Hemsky is looking like the real deal, although it’s certainly too early to tell. Slava Kozlov and Brendan Shanahan are old, but will put up numbers. Brian Rolston is a solid, but unspectacular performer. Ruslan Fedotenko on the other hand is an awful pick. This guy couldn’t score at a nymphomaniacs convention.

Grade: C+

Up The Middle:

Marc Savard is good but gone for the year. Big Nik Antropov brutal, Saku Koivu is back to his usual self…being hurt for at least half the year, and Brandon Reid won’t score 50 points….for Manitoba. Terrible!

Grade: D-

On the Back End:

You’ve gotta love it when you’re over a month into the season and your entire d-corps has 10 points! Nice start rookie, thanks for the donation!

Grade: D

Between The Pipes:

Roberto Luongo is a great goalie…on a terrible team. Here’s a tip youngster, as most goalies get points by winning, taking someone on a bad team may not be the best choice. Curtis Joseph is also working out great by the way.

Grade: D