Now in our 8th
season, Rick’s Picks is pleased to once again bring you the best, and worst of
the HHL. As we do every season, we have
taken the liberty to break down all 15 HHL squads so that when the dirt finally
settles, and all the lop-sided trades are done, we’ll be able to identify a
clear cut favourite.
That being said, being picked to finish 1st is about as bad
as the Sports Illustrated jinx, so we take great pride in sewering
another team’s hopes. Here we go boys,
it’s time to check your PC at the door and let the rips begin!
Comox Crunch
Predicted Finish: 1st
The Rant:
After taking over a
struggling Dinosaur Neil franchise in 2001, the Crunch steadily re-built their
talent base until successfully raising the David Livingstone Memorial Trophy in
2005. This year’s roster does have some
holes thanks to yet another dreadful performance on draft day (when are people
going to give up on Justin Williams?!), but powered by the best core in the
league, the Crunch will once again raise the chalice of hockey pool supremacy.
On the wall:
Despite aggressive
attempts by many teams during the free agent frenzy, the Crunch paid the price
to hang on to Vaclav Prospal and Mark Recchi. Their
decisions seem to be paying off as both guys are off to strong starts. Ilya Kovalchuk is another greedy commie, but he’s got his deal
now, and is back putting up points. The
infamous Marco Sturm isn’t going to cut it as a 4th winger so the
Crunch will have to hope that Slava Kozlov stays healthy.
Grade: A
Up the middle:
Joe Thornton could be
the best player in the HHL. In his
younger days, he’d rage like Stew on an all-night pub crawl, but he seems to
have things under control now. Petr Cajanek should slow down as
he’s softer than a French croissant.
Mike Richards was a dynamite pick-up however and while he may not
continue his current pace, he’ll be a stud for a long, long time. Our old friend Burkei
dumped Fedorov faster than Anna Kournikova,
but could still be the trade bait needed for the Crunch to fill holes
elsewhere.
Grade: B+
On the back end:
Zhitnik, Niedermayer and Gonchar gives the Crunch a nicer
back end than J Lo. Tverdovsky
isn’t a bad #4 either if one of the top three should stumble. Just think how good this group’s going to be
when Gonchar gets healthy and starts scoring like he
can!
Grade: A
Between the pipes:
Marty Turco is a solid tender, but
Grade: B
Spanish Bitches
Predicted Finish: 2nd
The Rant:
After taking the
regular season championship by two points over the Dynasty in 2001/2002, the
Bitches limped to consecutive 9th place finishes in 2003 and
2004. Taking a break from the senoritas
typical place near the top of the standings did allow GM Gomez-Garcia to
re-stock the shelves with young, star talent. As with the Crunch, this squad
has some holes to fill, but their high-end talent should allow them to
challenge for another title.
On the wall:
The key to winning in
the HHL is star power, and the Bitch has two young stars at wing. Danny Heatley may
be a lousy driver, but the dude can score.
Marian Hossa disappears in the playoffs like
Buzz when it’s time to settle the bar tab, but during the regular campaign, he
rocks like the Roberts Creek Community Hall.
Alice Hemsky has all the skills as well, but
is probably a year or two away from taking it big time. Like the Crunch, a 4th winger
upgrade will be needed at some point.
Grade: A
Up the middle:
Pavel Datsyuk is scoring
at better than a point a game pace on a dominant
Grade: C+
On the back end:
Solid yet
unspectacular group led by Philly’s Johnny Pitkanen
will get the job done. Can we just say
that we love how crappy Tom Poti is playing right
now!
Grade: B+
Between the pipes:
Robert Esche is the number one goalie in Philly. Philly is really good. Nuff said.
Grade: B+
Tri-City Flood
Predicted Finish: 3rd
The Rant:
After a third place
finish in 2000/2001, and their subsequent IPO, the Flood steadily declined
until finally finishing a disappointing 14th in 2003/2004. All may not be lost though for this
afterthought of a franchise. May we
introduce Alexander the Great. Alexander Ovechkin
is the saviour of the Tri-Cities and will lead the
Flood out of the netherworld, and into the $$.
On the Wall:
One of the top wing
groups in the league has been hurt by the injury to Alexei Kovalev,
but when you can still throw out a squad that includes Samsonov,
Straka, Palffy, and the
Great Ovechkin, you have the world by the tail.
Grade: A+
Up the Middle:
Jeff O’Neill was left
for dead, and then Mats Sundin returned to the lineup
and he took off faster than Commissioner Livingstone at a Spoon
Convention. O’Neill is joined by Jason
‘What Day is it’ Allison and Michael ‘Hit them with your purse’ Nylander. An average group, but a group that will score.
Grade: B+
On the back end:
Every shift for
special Ed Jovanovski is a roll of the dice, but he
rarely craps out. He is now joined by
10-year protection guy Dion Phaneuf
to form a decent top two. Marc-Andre
what’s his name won’t cut it as a #3 guy, so a move of some kind is needed to
shore things up.
Grade: B
Between the pipes:
Awful. Absolutely awful.
Patrick Lalime couldn’t stop a beach ball, and
Jocelyn Thibault has been a disaster. Hey Stew, if you haven’t talked trade with
these guys yet, now might be a good time.
How about this deal…..Jose Theodore and $$ for Ziggy
Palffy!
Rarr’s Rage
Predicted Finish: 4th
The Rant:
You just don’t know
which way the Rage will take things.
They have enough talent to take a run at a money spot, but not enough to
win. GM Stew Wilson has promised ‘not to
dump’, but we just don’t believe him! He
has 10 years of history working against him, and if things start to go bad, you
know he’ll dump faster than you can say “Would you like fries with that
handgun?”
On the wall:
Alexander Frolov has finally come of age and seems to be the best of
a decent group. Cory Stillman
is the most underrated player in the HHL…for some reason, people just don’t get
that Stillman scores wherever he goes. Martin Havlat is
better than his current totals and could be trade bait down the stretch. Imagine how good this group would be if
Marian Gaborik was healthy! Might Stew trade his all-world winger if the
price is right??
Grade: B+….but A+ if Gaborik can get healthy
Up the middle:
Vincent Lecavalier, Mario Lemieux and
Olli Jokinen are monsters up the gut, but Lemieux will only be able to stay healthy for so long. Pretty sold though.
Grade: A
On the back end:
Back fat may be in
high supply in Rageville, but quality guys on the
back end are harder to come by. Bryan Berard (at $31 million!) is good, but plays in stinky
Grade: C+
Between the pipes:
If the Dominator can
stay healthy, the Rage have two incredibly solid
tenders. Scoring Jose Theodore for a
paltry $16 million was a steal that makes you question what Chaos GM Cole Reid
was smoking on Buzz and
Chaos
Predicted Finish: 5th
The Rant:
It really hurts to
slot Chaos this high on the ladder, but it really starts to get tight after the
big four, and Chaos has the best high end talent among the next group of
pretenders. What hurts is how GM Reid
wasted yet again a brilliant opportunity to leap to the top of the
standings. How do you let Jose Theodore
leave for $16 million, then waste a total of $59 million on Kim Johnsson and Zdeno Chara, and replace Theodore with Sean Burke!!!!!
On the wall:
The main reason we
have Chaos as high as we do is the big-time talent on the wing. High end guys win this pool and cover up for
crappy management. Jaromir
Jagr, Jarome Iginla, and Alex Tanguay should
be guys that lead you to a title, not 5th place.
Grade: A+
Up the middle:
Brad Richards has
started slowly, but will push the 100 point mark by the end of the season. Scott Gomez seems to have lost more than his
spleen while playing in the East Coast League and can’t seem to recapture a
scoring touch. The
rest suck.
Grade: C+
On the back end:
As mentioned in the
rant, GM Reid paid way too much for a very average d-corps. Chara is a solid
guy, but he lacks first unit power play time and is not worth $28 bills in
today’s HHL.
Grade: C+
Between the pipes:
Give me a @#$@#$#
break. I’m not going to rant about this
again, but GM Reid should at least look at this as an opportunity. He’s stayed within Barney nose hair distance
from the leaders without a tender. Lots of upside potential at re-draft time or through a trade.
Grade: F
Dynasty
Predicted Finish: 6th
The Rant:
Over the past few
years, Dynasty GM The Bastard Ramsbottom
seems to have forgotten that it takes star players to win this pool, not a
bunch of plumbers with shots at 70 points.
If it wasn’t for Daniel Alfredsson, this once
proud franchise would be sucking the hind titty with
fellow Wack GM Woo Marchand,
and slum lord Richy Stone.
On the wall:
Thank god for Daniel Alfredsson. Freddy
is healthy and scoring like Stew at a Grade 9 dance. If only Ray Whitney was healthy from game #1
and Shane Doan remembered that just because Gretzky’s behind the bench, he
doesn’t have to play that checking role he perfects while with Team
Grade: B
Up the middle:
Saku Koivu was a great
pick-up for not a lot of jake. He’s a perfect fit for the new HHL and has
been scoring with or without Alexei Kovalev. Michael Handzus has
worse hair than Buzz Leeson, but who cares, the Dynasty will take a point a game from him. Mats Sundin is back
from injury and should round out a very nice group.
Grade: B+
On the back end:
Beyond Wade Redden,
who finally seems to be scoring as GM Ramsbottom
hoped he would, this group is very average/average. HELLO NICK BOYNTON…THE NET IS THAT WAY!!
Grade: C+
Between the pipes:
David Aebischer is a solid tender, but will never put up great
points. He’s destined for 70-80 points
in the new HHL. Not even close to good
enough for a title run.
Grade: C+
The Korean
Assassins
Predicted Finish: 7th
The Rant:
The worst GM in Hockey
Pool history has never finished higher than 7th in any HHL season,
so regardless of his start, we’re not about to get excited. You just know that a bad trade is looming, a
slump on the horizon, and year-ending injuries just around the corner. Until GM Kim starts to invest in some hockey
knowledge to surround his big cheque book, this team
will forever be a bad joke at second rate Yaletown
cafes.
On the wall:
I haven’t seem more average talent than my last trip to the Pit Pub on
a Wednesday night. If you love strong,
two-way players, this is your happy place.
Don’t get me wrong, Brendan Morrow, Ryan Smyth, Erik Cole, and even
Satan himself are all fine, upstanding citizens, but they’re not going to win
you anything. Richard Park and Kyle
Calder were great pick-ups by the way!
Grade: B
Up the middle:
The year off from HHL
competition seems to have done wonders for Peter the Great. He’s healthy, nasty, and close to the league
scoring lead. TK better hope that trend
continues because the rest of his guys really stink. I’m not falling for the great start of Alexei
Ya$hin. That
guy is a bum, and while I can think of no other HHL team that warrants such a
flake, I can’t imagine him continuing at this pace. Jan the Man Hrdina
was done five years ago, and I can’t imagine why
anyone would waste a pick on him.
Grade: B
On the back end:
When Patrice ‘Let’s hit the slopes’ Brisebois is
the best guy you have, you know you’re in trouble. He’s the last guy I’d want to be in a fox
hole with, and the last guy I’d ever want on my HHL team. Some day Brad Stuart will start scoring, but
it won’t be this year…another waste of $30 million!
Grade: C
Between the pipes:
Don’t get us wrong,
Roberto Luongo is one of the best tenders in the
HHL. But, as most GM’s know, to get
points your team has to win and thus score once in a while. Subtle point the Professor may wish to take into
consideration.
Grade: B
KKK
Predicted Finish: 8th
The Rant:
Another
hot start that’s not fooling us. This team is more top heavy that
Dolly Parton, and unlike the Queen of Kentucky, this team is going to sag. If
anyone thinks that Bryan McCabe and Lubomir Visnovsky are going to score more than 100 points this
year, I’ve got a nice little bridge to sell ya.
On the wall:
Yes, yes, we know that
Simon Gagne is off to an incredible start, and playing next to Peter Forsberg
should be good for some points, but what does KKK have after Mr. Gagne? The answer: about as much firepower as our
great Canadian army.
Grade: C
Up the middle:
Again, we have one guy
having a career year. Marc Savard has never been able to put it all together, but
thanks to some talented line mates, and a break from the injury bug, he’s off
to a great start. But again we ask,
what’s next? With or without his new
stubble, Hank Sedin is not going to cut it. Oh, and we’re so happy to see the sucker that
plucked Petr Nedved paying
for his brain fart.
Grade: C+
On the back end:
OK, so they’re off to
great starts, and even if they tank for the rest of the year, they will both
end up with 50-60 points. How someone
can be that lucky in one year is beyond me, but hey, after the start to his HHL
tenure Mark was deserving of a break.
Grade: A
Between the pipes:
Miikka is unbelievable. The 2004 playoffs were obviously no fluke as
this Finish marvel continues to stone wall every team he faces. The only challenge will be potential injury,
but he seems to be one of the solid stars for the KKK for a long, long time.
Grade: A+
Kevlar
Predicted Finish: 9th
The Rant:
How is it possible for
someone with Sid the Kid, Jason Spezza, Tomas Vokoun, and Nick Lidstrom to
finish out of the playoffs? Your answer
is simple, piss poor management! This
team should be a solid contender in the future, but only if they stop making
lousy decisions like restricting Andrew (5 pts.) Cassels. Come on, all the Dynasty’s former players
should be a lot better than this!
On the wall:
Paul Kariya seems to be back scoring at better than a point a
game. But after that, things start to
get sketchy. Ladislav
Nagy looked so promising in 2003/2004 before a nasty, season ending injury, and
so far this season he’s looked very average.
Nils Eckman, Pierre Dagenais, and the injured again Martin Rucinsky
round out the rest of a very average lot.
Grade: C+
Up the middle:
Holly young studs
Batman! With Jaques
Martin finally out of
Grade: A
On the back end:
Nicklas Lidstrom is still
the best overall d-man in the HHL, but it all comes down to points, and he just
doesn’t score like he used to. That’s
why we….I mean, the Dynasty traded him!
Too bad about Brian Leetch’s injury, he was
off to a good start.
Grade: C+
Between the pipes:
Although not racking
up as many points as you think he should, Tomas Vokoun
is a solid tender, that is backstopping a much
improved
Grade: A
Gibson Greeks
Predicted Finish:
10th
The Rant:
Ahhh, one of our favourite
teams to make fun of has once again given us plenty of ammunition. Unlike in previous years, GM Pringle seemed
prepared, and somewhat in control at this year’s draft. The panic red face made only the occasional
appearance, and in general, he seemed to get who he wanted. That my friends is the scary part…if this is
who he wanted, maybe he should consider a lobotomy!
On the wall:
Glen Murray has seemed
to put the alternate year curse to an end, and has put together a number of
great years in
Grade: B
Up the middle:
Where have you gone
Burnaby Joe? I don’t remember the last
time we’ve been almost a quarter of the way into the season, and he’s at less
than a point a game. Father time may
have finally caught up with Joe. The end
may also be near for Doug Weight. Mike Ribeiro is a prick, and is hated by his team mates so no
surprise he’s off an average start.
Grade: B (we’re still
holding out hope for Joe!)
On the back end:
John-Michael Liles
started off faster than Buzz at an open bar wedding (yes, we used the line
again, and yes it still works!). He has
slowed down though and has only 2 points in all of November. Chris Pronger started slow, and that trend seems to be continuing
for some reason as the frozen tundra of northern
Grade: C+
Between the pipes:
Comrade Khabibulin has taken us down an oh
so familiar road. Russian has a big
season in the final year of his contract.
Russian signs a big deal….Russian shits the
bed. It couldn’t happen to a better
commie!
Grade: C+
The Liberals
Predicted Finish:
11th
The Rant:
I love it when my favourite pin cushions fly into my wheel house. GM Leeson was
another guy that was ‘happy’ with his team coming out of draft day. How can that be possible? Yes, he once again has a strong core of
wingers, but once again, that’s where the talent stops! Spending $20 million for
David Legwand started the madness, following shortly
after by the addition of Barret (heads up, here comes
Bert) Jackman.
Maybe you should just vote yourself a big raise so you can afford some
professional help.
On the wall:
On paper, this group
is as solid as they come. Demitra, Naslund, Bondra and the slow-starting Milan Hejduk
deserve better than the mess they find themselves. Thomas Vanek may
have been a solid pick-up by Leeson, but he was taken
far too early in the draft when a solid d-man or center could have been
had.
Grade: A
Up the middle:
Some
potential here with the over-performing Craig Conroy and Brendan Morrison, but
not much else. Again, we bring up the much discussed David Legwand….somewhere down the line,
people will eventually realize he has about as solid a future as Word Perfect!
Grade: B-
On the back end:
Shitty,
shitty, shitty. This group has less talent than Gordon
Wilson, and less upside than Jim Green.
We’re not even going to list them out as it makes us nautious
just thinking about them!
Between the pipes:
Like scandals seem to
follow any Liberal party, bad luck shadows GM Leeson. Andrew Raycroft is
a solid keeper, but the Bruins awful start has seen his ice time and points
fall faster than a hot dog tray at a Leeson family
BBQ.
Walli’s Jets
Predicted Finish:
12th
The Rant:
The mad scientist
seemed to deviate from the master plan at this year’s draft. After picking up young studs like Rick Nash, Henrik Zetterberg, Tuomo Ruutu and Patrice Bergeron in previous years, he stayed
away from the playground in 2005 preferring to add ‘proven’ guys to round out
his core. He’s smarter than all of us,
but some of these moves have once again baffled our brain trust. How does Valeri Bure make you better?
One day we might figure out his plan, but it won’t be this year.
On the wall:
If all you needed was
potential, GM Walli would be nipping at the Crunch’s
heals. Unfortunately, injuries have
side-swiped Ruutu, Nash, and Elias and left Jason
Blake, and Mike Johnson to pick up the slack.
It’s like replacing Lady Diana with Camilla!
Grade: B-
Up the middle:
Eric Staal is one of the best young players in the HHL. He is big, fast, and has softer hands than GM
Walli. Daniel Briere is also a great player, but is destined for eternal
mediocrity as long as he stays in
Grade: B
On the back end:
$42 million was a
steep price to pay for Kimmo Timonen,
but he’s proven to be a solid addition.
The rest of the group are about as useful as
ketchup in one of GM Walli’s Krispy
Kreme outlets.
Somebody pass me another apple fritter.
Grade: C
Between the pipes:
As we outlined to the
Professor what seems like many pages ago, even the best of goalies need teams
that can score and thus, win. The
mightiest example is Martin Brodeur. Still great, but not on the
points side anymore.
Grade: B
Barney Softcore
Predicted Finish:
13th
The Rant:
The longer that he’s
away from
On the wall:
When Jonathan Cheechoo is your leading scorer on the wing, you’ve got
huge problems. Mogilny
and Sykora should have provided some veteran scoring
help, but they’re both aging faster than George W. Maybe if Barney could convince George to bomb
Grade: C
Up the middle:
Mike Modano was once a proud member of the Dynasty…a leading
scorer in every league. Then he was
traded to the ‘Core, invested in a few
Grade: C
On the back end:
The strength of this
year’s ‘Core is the defence. Zubov seems to be
ageless, and Tomas Kaberle is benefiting from a ton
of first unit PP time. Roman Hamrlik hasn’t scored as much as most thought, but is still
solid. An excess of decent guys might
result in some kind of trade that keeps this squad respectable.
Grade: B+
Between the pipes:
Fast Eddy Belfour is older than dirt, but can still stop pucks. It’s a good thing too, because he sees more
rubber than a Vegas showgirl.
Grade: B
Woo Foundation
Predicted Finish:
14th
OUCH!! The ‘other’
On the wall:
If slow
footed wingers with bad hands and suspect talent was the objective, Woo
would be a genius! Unfortunately, we in
the HHL operate on a different set of rules.
Todd ‘It is what it is’ Bertuzzi is finally
showing signs of life, but the rest of these bums are simply awful. Anson Carter, of the two sisters and a
brother line, was a terrible addition and hasn’t scored in 5 years…I guess we
better make it six.
Grade: C
Up the middle:
It’s hard to image a
group of centers that’s actually worse than the previously mentioned
wingers. Someone wake me up from this
nightmare! Jason Arnott
seems to have re-found his scoring touch, but the rest of these bums suck the hindest of titties. Chris Drury has lost all of his once abundant
confidence, and Jeremy Roenick has obviously had his
brain rattled one too many times. The
rest….let’s not waste the ink.
Grade: C-
On the back end:
Strike up the polka
band because the senior citizens are here!
Mathieu Schneider is older than god, and Rob Blake seems to have been
around since the days of New Coke.
Grade: C+
Between the pipes:
Dan Cloutier just can’t seem to stay healthy. It isn’t his fault all the time, but it’s not
a good trait to have. Marc-Andre Fleury is still some years away and GM Woo may not have
that long before the
Grade: B-
Jungle Fever
Predicted Finish:
Dead Last
The Rant:
This could be the
worst team in hockey pool history. How
can two great legal minds assemble such a disgraceful group of bums. The Richard ‘Stu Jackson’ Stone five-year plan is a decade old now, and
things just seem to get worse every year.
Somewhere the hurting must stop.
Bottom line…thanks for the donation.
On the wall:
Nobody. And I
mean nobody. 11 points from their best
player is worse than most non-counting players from the Big Four. I’m almost feeling sorry for them.
Grade: D
Up the middle:
Patrick Marleau and Robert Lang are actually good starts, but in
typical Fever fashion, they are both under-performing. Gotta love having
Alexei Zhamnov on this team as no better fate could I
wish upon the softest player to ever walk the earth.
Grade: C+
On the back end:
Take one solid defenceman that has scored consistently over the past 5
years (Adrian Aucoin), add a star offensive guy with
lots of upside (Dick Tarnstrom) and put them on the
Fever….
Grade: D
Between the pipes:
Evgeni Nabokov had a few good years…before being
traded to the Fever. Like a horrid
plague, this franchise is a beast that kills all it touches.
Grade: C-
Finis