RICK’S PICKS 2006
Gentlemen. As we celebrate and pay homage to our past war heroes on this Remembrance Day Weekend, it is only fitting that we look at the Generals of the HHL. Some, who like Montgomery are steadfast and calculated, while others are more like Patton…trading first, asking questions later. While others, simply fight their daily battle of the bulge. So let us now, together, review the best Generals our league has to offer, and those who should simply be lost to the sands of time. Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you, Rick’s Picks 2006.
Comox Crunch
Predicted Finish: 1st
Out of the Gate:
The Crunch is back and who could pick against them. While not deep, they have stars at each position. Players like Kovalchuk, Thornton, and Nik Lidstrom have led a blitzkrieg through the HHL and are now in search of an unprecedented third straight HHL crown. Can anyone stop them?
Best Addition:
The boys from the Island have more wingers than Liz Taylor had husbands, but when you add a guy like Ray Whitney amongst the lot, who cares! Although very average last year with the Dynasty, Whitney has embraced his new surroundings and at the time of writing is 11th in league scoring…right behind Sidney Crosby! Gotta like that for a measly 10 bones.
Worst Addition:
Why would anyone take Dan Cloutier!? It’s like entering into an alliance with Switzerland. While with a series of very strong Canuck teams, he never scored more than 81 points, yet the Crunch feel he can somehow do better with the Kings?? Now, with the hockey brain power surging out of Comox these days, this move is somewhat troubling. No big deal though as Kari Lehtonen is hotter than Teddy Kim’s Hummer and shows no signs of slowing down. Honorary second mention goes to Daniel Alfredsson, who was so distraught about being moved from his beloved Dynasty, that he’s started slower than Buzz at a cash bar wedding.
Keys to Success:
The talent is there, the depth, fortunately for everyone else, is not. It’s scary to think that this team is in first, with only two D-Men! With injuries at center, defence, or in net, the Crunch could be easily toppled. Where’s that Jeff Gillooly guy when you need him?
Walli’s Jets
Predicted Finish: 2nd
Out of the Gate:
OK, we know. The Jets are not exactly lighting the world on fire. With the exception of Marty Brodeur, Daniel Briere and Eric Staal, no one on this team is performing up to snuff. That being said, Mark ‘Montgomery’ Walli has built his squad over time with such skill and patience, there’s just no way this team is going to stay out in the cold. The comeback will need to be huge, but we like the Jets chances.
Best Addition:
Not really an addition, but he did have to match a legit offer to keep this future Hall of Famer. Martin Brodeur has been a Jet his entire HHL career, and he’ll remain one until his last days. He’s still the best point goalie out there, and the straw that stirs the drink in the land of Krispy Kremes.
Worst Addition:
Freddy Meyer has been lost in the implosion that is the Philadelphia Flyers. While showing some promise, this young d-man has disappeared faster than Buzz when it’s time to pay the bill.
Keys to Success:
PLAY LIKE YOU SHOULD, or as Monty would say, every man needs to do his duty! This team has the best young core in the league, and the only question is whether this group is ready to step up yet.
The Spanish Bitches
Predicted Finish: 3rd
Out of the Gate:
After the big two, it’s a real toss-up. Each of the remaining teams has more holes than the Maginot Line. We have to go with someone though and the best of the bunch is the Bitches. Marian Hossa is loving Atlanta and is on pace to reach 123 points! Not bad for the ‘other guy’ in the Dany Heatley trade.
Best Addition:
Rod ‘the Bod’ Brind’Amour seems to have found the fountain of youth the past two seasons in Carolina. He’s scoring like Stew in his glory days at the old Cranbrook Hall, and it’s far enough into the year to think he might not slow down. Good thing they don’t test for steroids in the NHL…
Worst Addition:
That’s what you get for picking a player named Kim. You can take the player out of Philly I guess, but not the love of a Bitch. Kim Johnsson may be an ex-Flyer, but like his former team, he’s gone colder than a Russian winter.
Keys to Success:
The Bitches need to ride Hossa like a rented mule and hope he stays this hot. GM Gomez-Garcia also has to hope that Dominik Hasek keeps his groin together and Manny Fernandez doesn’t realize that he’s not really this good. Dealing one of these guys to fill a hole elsewhere might be the key to a money spot.
Team Chaos
Predicted Finish: 4th
Out of the Gate:
Any team with Jaromir Jagr is always a contender…unfortunately, Jamy is surrounded by only average talent. Alas, the Cranbrook faithful will be calling for next year yet again in this squad’s eternal quest for HHL’s holy grail.
Best Addition:
Cam Ward may be a little slow coming out of the blocks, but this kid is the real deal. At $30 million, Chaos paid a reasonable sum for a future Vezina trophy winner…remember, you heard it here first!
Worst Addition:
While we should make it clear that this publication is owned by Dynasty General Manager Rick “The Bastard” Ramsbottom, it is without any prejudice that we add Wade Redden’s name as one of this year’s biggest busts. For some reason, many HHL GM’s thought Redden was the next Paul Coffey, even though he’d never scored more than 50 points in a year. This guy is softer than Stew’s back fat, and disappears when it counts most.
Keys to Success:
The secondary players must step up to support Jamy. Iginla has to continue scoring, Brad Richards needs to step it up and Scotty Gomez needs to come back from injury…fast! Too much needs to happen for this team to challenge, but they’re still a solid squad.
Barney Hardcore
Predicted Finish: 5th
Out of the Gate:
Trade off Slava Kozlov’s great start with Jonathan Cheechoo’s average one, and everyone is about where they should be. This team is above average, but that’s about it. Kaberle and Zubov should provide great strength on the back, but the rest is just plain average.
Best Addition:
Marty Turco may stink like the Hamber Office during the playoffs, but in the regular season, there’s not much better. It may have cost Harcore the equivalent to the GDP of the State of Alabama to get him, but he’s more than worth it.
Worst Addtion:
Who is Jonas Nordqvist. Rookies are a gamble at the best of times, but at least take someone who either possesses some talent, or doesn’t play in Chicago.
Keys to Success:
Moon shine. Barney should ship Andreas Crunch a box of Alabama’s best, then offer up Richard Jacman for Nik Lidstrom.
Korean Assassins
Predicted Finish: 6th
Out of the Gate:
Keeping our Remembrance Day theme alive (and it’s getting weak already), we’d compare the Assassins to the French Army. Always advancing when they should be retreating. Always getting bitch slapped by somebody, and always needing someone else to bail them out. In this case, the bidding up of RFA Erik Cole made TK realize that the kid might actually be decent and probably worth keeping!
Best Addition:
Matching the aforementioned Cole may have been the best thing TK has ever done. This kid seems to have finally turned the corner after years of sub-par performances. He scored at a point a game pace last year, and if he can only stay healthy, he should be the Assassins #1 winger.
Worst Addition:
After Cole, no one came to the aid of Kim when he jumped at the chance to draft Jan the Man Bulis. Jan somehow scored 20 goals in Montreal last year, but won’t get 20 points at his current rate. He also can’t seem to stay out of Coach V’s doghouse. Great pick TK.
Keys to Success:
Peter Forsberg can still be the best player in the league, but he’s got to snap out of it! The way he’s playing right now, he couldn’t make Richie Stone’s Div 18 team.
KKK
Predicted Finish: 7th
Out of the Gate:
Stacked with mediocrity, this franchise looks to be a playoff lock, but not much else. Henrik Sedin, Brian Gionta and Bryan McCabe aren’t going to make anyone quake in their boots and they’re the best the Krew has to offer. Don’t bother planning any victory parades.
Best Addition:
Selected with the first pick in the HHL Draft, Alexander Radulov has all the makings of a stud winger…something this team desperately needs. He scored like Commissioner Livingstone at an ‘Over 50’ lawn bowling tourney in Junior and now is poised to do it at the pro level. It may take him a year or two, but hang on to your panties boys, this guy’s the real deal.
Worst Addition:
Stephen Reinprecht has been scheduled for a break out season every year since the Diefenbaker administration. This guy is never going to score. He’s either hurt, on a bad team, or just plain shitty. This year, you can chalk up all three.
Keys to Success:
KKK can jump up the standings if they find a way to parlay one, or even two, of their THREE goalies. Love the depth idea…especially the concept of having both goalies with a good team, but if they keep splitting games 50/50, it’s about as satisfying as capturing Guam.
KEVLAR
Predicted Finish: 8th
Out of the Gate:
No team that sports Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Tomas Vokoun AND Jason Spezza can possibly miss the playoffs…can they??? Not quite, but they almost will. Sputtering around in 10th place, but with only two counting wingers, there’s no way this team can miss the playoffs. As Kevlar has 7 centers, there’s obviously a deal to be done.
Best Addition:
Christopher Higgins would have been the guy here if he didn’t blow up his ankle. Unfortunately, after the young Hab, the additions remind many of the Agazzi Corn Huskers…and the third and fourth line Huskers at that!
Worst Addition:
Lord help Curtis Joseph. In his first 11 games, he’s managed to collect a paltry 3 points. At that rate, even Dynasty GM “The Bastard” Ramsbottom will steer away. Maybe GM Kev Tyfting can ask his old roommate Commissioner Livingstone for a mulligan.
Keys to Success:
By god man, you need more centers like the Poles needed more horses! It’s time to trade for a few tanks! There could be a major deal on the horizon for this squad and probably the move that secures Ecto’s playoff spot
Gibson’s Greeks
Predicted Finish: 9th
Out of the Gate:
Finishing just one spot out of the playoff picture in 2006 will be the Greeks. Powered by an impressive back line, this team is far better than most predicted, and while no one is planning a parade route, GM Pringle should live to see another season.
Best Addition:
Former “Legion of Doom” member Dainius Zubrus is now the set up man for the mighty Alexander Ovechkin. While Zubrus won’t generate much on his own, he’ll have at least 30 points bounce off his ass, which should mean a 65+ on the season.
Worst Addition:
After a promising 45 pt. rookie campaign, Alexander Steen, the son of former Jets great Thomas Steen, has started slower than GM Pringle in a hundred yard dash. Too bad the younger Steen doesn’t possess the same great speed, hands or …..TALENT that the old man had.
Keys to Success:
With so little success on the ice, Pringle must continue to keep the Gibson’s faithful in a “fog” of promises and free rounds of golf. Homer works a room like Eisenhower, and with the Greeks victory over the Dynasty in the 2003/2004 Final, he should have a few more years grace before they string him up outside Molly’s Reach.
Rarr’s Rage
Predicted Finish: 10th
Out of the Gate:
Yet another dump near the end of the 2005 season resulted in another solid core 6 for the Oakland Raiders of the HHL. The hated Rage then followed suit with what seems to be an annual dreadful performance on draft day. Reminding one and all of former Canuck head scout Mike Penny, GM Stewart ‘Patton’ Wilson continues to throw caution, and intelligence to the wind spending like a drunken sailor on future Hall of Famers such as Kyle Calder, Chuck Kobasew and Tim Connolly. While we highly doubt that the Rage would stand for such a placing, we can think of no better place for the Dark Lord of Dump.
Best Addition:
Young Matt Carle from San Jose was the lone bright spot at this year’s draft. Plucked like an ace from Wilson’s sleeve, Carle may be the best young d-man to grace Skookumchuck since Dan Boyle first laced it up for the Rage.
Worst Addition:
Where do we start? We could mention Kyle Calder and his Dave Semenkoesk 2 points. We could mention Tim Connolly whose next hockey game may be in the aforementioned Div 18 skating alongside one Sir Richard Stone. But then we’d be missing the mighty Ryan Kessler who is rewarding both Rage and Canuck fans with a massive 3 points in his first 16 games. You pick.
Keys to Success:
DUMP! This team won’t win, this team can’t win, so we’d advise following the path most often followed by this disgraceful franchise and dump like there’s no tomorrow…and no loser tax!
WOO FOUNDATION
Predicted Finish: 11th
Out of the Gate:
While there are many positives that you can take from this team, they are nowhere close to challenging yet. This squad has absolutely no firepower…think Dutch Army. There’s a solid young core highlighted by great tender Ryan Miller, but there was just too many mistakes on draft day to make a run this year. They might make the playoffs, but another re-building year is much more likely.
Best Addition:
No question here. Milan Michalek performed well in the pre-season, and unlike most, actually continued this performance through into the regular season. With 19 points in his first 18 games, there’s no question Milan is the real deal. Now if he only had someone to play with…
Worst Addition:
No question here either. Without his two sisters passing him the puck, the brother is lost…in Ohio. Foundation draft representatives begged GM Marchand not to hang on to Carter…they even tried to let him go by not picking up his free agent option. The heavy hand of the boss came swift however and demanded Carter be taken in the draft “if” he was still available…if he was still available, what a joke! There was a greater chance of GM Woo paying his league fees than another team wanting this overrated bum.
Keys to Success:
All rips aside, a good young core is starting to form here. GM Marchand must continue to build through the draft, and cross his fingers that his new fans in Tsawwassen don’t mind waiting five years to win.
JUNGLE FEVER
Predicted Finish: 12th
Out of the Gate:
Led by Patrick Marleau, this collection of misfits is like a ship without a captain, an Army with no General, a great legal mind without a conscience? Somewhere the hurting must stop. Actually, this franchise is in such a bad state of affairs, it is rumoured that when Alberta Premier Ralph Klein heard about the pending relocation of the Fever, he temporarily banned the entire Stone Family from crossing the border…this could be why a secondary route through Idaho was selected. “We’re a Province of Winners,” cried Klein. “The five year plan might have worked for Stu Jackson, but not here. If they don’t turn things around by next year, they’re OUT!” Stone countered with an attempt at appeasement that would have made Neville Chamberlain proud. In an effort to win now, he acquired two veteran players…unfortunately, both are out until January.
Best Addition:
Who says your prime ends at 30. Brendan Shanahan has found the fountain of youth in Manhattan and is putting up points like never before. Shanny is on pace for 106 points, the highest of his career, breaking the 102 points he scored back in ’94. Maybe Stone has finally found a formula that works….
Worst Addition:
…then again, maybe not. The pick up of Frank Kaberle (lost for half the season with injury) was a colossal blunder. Then again, paying $44M for Colby Armstrong’s 5 points wouldn’t make King Ralph happy either.
Keys to Success:
Fly all HHL GM’s to Calgary for Stampede. Lead the tour of Cowboy’s under the condition of preferential trade consideration this off-season. Once again Richie, thanks for the donation.
LIBERALS
Predicted Finish: 13th
Out of the Gate:
Like their political namesake, the once proud Liberals have fallen on hard times. They still have their traditional strength on the wing, but not much else. Their inability to make deals for younger talent has caused a dramatic decay that threatens to bury the franchise in mediocrity for decades to come. Markus Naslund is playing like he did in Pittsburgh while Pavol Demitra seems to have found the other end of the rink…unfortunately for GM Leeson, it’s the wrong end. Batten down the hatches folks, it’s going to be a long season in the Riv.
Best Addition:
Ryan Whitney looks to be a promising young d-man and could quarterback the NHL’s best power play in a few years. If he can stay healthy, and stay in Pittsburgh (let’s say a Penguin just in case), he could be the kind of guy you can build your entire back end around.
Worst Addition:
Mark Bell was trumpeted as the missing link in the league’s best line. Bell, along with the Cheechoo Train and Big Joe Thornton was to be a match made in heaven. Unfortunately, it was like adding salad into GM Leeson’s diet…it just didn’t take. Four points in 15 games is not quite what Liberal fans had in mind.
Keys to Success:
Trades, and lots of them. Like a 20 lb. Bratwurst dropped on Leeson’s head, this should be the wake up call needed to break up the supposed core.
DYNASTY
Predicted Finish: 14th
Out of the Gate:
Like the once mighty British Empire, the Dynasty once had fans around the globe. Alas, this Dynasty is a shadow of its former self, and the sun has most definitely set. Veterans expected to lead have already suffered injuries, while newcomers like Alex Tanguay and Joffrey Lupul have been about as useful as radar at Pearl Harbour. The youth movement is in full effect, and from the looks of this year’s team, it is going to be painful.
Best Addition:
While the 2006 version of the so-called Dynasty is painful to look at, just imagine how bad it would have been if GM Ramsbottom had stayed the course with Daniel Alfredsson and Wade Redden? Alfredsson is off to his worst start in years with just 9 points, while Redden has a measly single point and is now injured. At least the additions of Scott Niedermayer and Justin Williams are producing, and Alex Tanguary should turn things around eventually….
Worst Addition:
Lots to choose from here. We could go with the $56M man Joffrey Lupul who’s staggering 8 points has reminded the City of Champions of Jaroslav Pozar instead of Craig Simpson. You could also go with Doug Weight, who’s rearview mirror should say….Your talent is slipping away faster than ever thought possible.
Keys to Success:
Screw it. Drastic changes were needed, and drastic changes were made. As MacArthur said after getting his ass handed to him in the Philippines, “I Shall Return!”
Tri-City Flood
DEAD LAST
Out of the Gate:
This franchise started with such promise. They challenged for the league title in their first year, took the team public, and sold shares by the bushel to hockey starved fans in the Tri-City Triangle. The love affair has ended faster than a Britney Spears marriage however, and has everyone asking - how can a team with Alexander the Great finish dead last?
Best Addition:
Hey, even the worst have a stroke of genius once in a while. No one had ever heard of Anze Kopitar, but everyone knows who he is now. His only curse is that he’s playing for the Kings and will be forced to contribute now, and often.
Worst Addition:
Why do people keep taking Niclas Havelid, or as we like to call him, Niclas Havelittletalent? This guy sucks worse than Commissioner Livingstone’s wardrobe. He has less talent than Stone has hair, and less chance of doing anything in his career than GM Mark Walli has for being called a free spender.
Keys to Success:
Hunker down in your trench, and wait for the season to mercifully slide to an end. It will all be over soon.
We hope you enjoyed the Picks of 2006. May you all suffer countless season ending injuries.