Rick’s Picks 2009
OK, so this is clearly the latest release of Rick's Picks in history. I admit, churning this out has taken even longer than the time most people waited in VANOC's virtual “waiting room” trying to buy Olympic tickets! It's quite amazing how little time one has when a second child is added to the household. I now understand why I see Jose, Stew, Ecto and Pringle about twice a year.
In what spare minutes we did have, we have once again put together our predictions for the HHL season…what’s left of it anyway. In spite of the injury bug being as prominent as H1N1 and Olympic protests, some things never change. Buzz, Teddy and Kevlar are lounging near the basement, Barney still reeks, and the Godfather…we’ll get to him in due course.
With so many new injuries popping up every night, it was hard to get an order we really liked. But whatever, the fun is taking pot shots at teams anyways, so without further useless rambling, let the verbal warfare begin!
Comox Crunch
Predicted Finish: 1st
The rant:
Our reason for picking the Crunch to finish first is two-fold. Firstly, no matter where the Crunch may sit in the standings, you know they have one amazingly lop-sided trade on the horizon. It happens every year and this year will surely be no different...it's just a matter of when, and who this year's chump will be (sorry Barry...how is Kreijci and Boowmeester doing by the way?). Our second reason is a bit nasty but we don't care...we want to curse them! The boys from Comox have hung out near the top of the standings for far too long so let's throw a Rick's Picks curse at them to make things more challenging. Speaking of challenges, a 3-6 week injury for Crunch stalwart Daniel Alfredsson will make co-GM Denton feel like Tiger Wood’s divorce lawyer.
On the wall:
As always, this group is loaded with top-end talent, but unlike most of the past few years, depth is an issue…and getting worse by the day! The top three of Kovalchuk, Cammalleri and Alfredsson are studs. Now, Alffy’s injury throws a big wrench into things and will severely limit the Crunch’s room for error. Alex Tanguay was the most trumpeted Crunch newcomer and was signed to address this gap issue, but he’s been a bigger bust than New Coke. To make matters worse, the Crunch coughed up $62 million to get this bum. Dreadful. The rest aren’t worth the time so clearly a trade is needed to address this problem.
Grade: B
Up the middle:
Big Joe Thornton may disappear in the playoffs but who cares! In the regular season, he racks up points like Tiger racks up mistresses. After Joe however, things get weak in a big hurry. Patrice Bergeron is rounding back into form, but he’s a Mike Richards elbow away from returning to the IR. Besides, 29 points in 36 games isn’t going to light anyone’s hair on fire. Jordan Staal is a checker…but that won’t stop teams from taking him every year for the next decade.
Grade: B
On the back:
Where have you gone Nick Lidstrom?! The defenceman the Crunch could pen in for 60+ points has fallen off faster than Buzz's wallet when the check comes around. You would think he will eventually pull himself out of this downward spiral but with 38 games in the rearview mirror and only 15 points to show, is that really going to happen? Could the best defenceman of our generation finally be showing his age? Maybe, but thanks to the Godfather, the Crunch now has a young stud named Mike Green to take his place! Green leads the league in d-man scoring and Scott Niedermayer is still putting up decent numbers. Tyler Myers was a great rookie addition, and although he will certainly pop his rookie cherry this year, his surprising start came at the perfect time.
Grade: A
Between the pipes:
Yikes, what was Denton thinking when he assembled the killer combination of Nik “older than dirt” Khabibulin and Chris “older than god” Osgood?! This pair is about as scary as running into Greeks GM Homer Pringle in a dark alley. Well, at least he got off the hook from paying $90 million for Cam Ward! On a positive note, with just 17 points coming from this position and two 50+ goalies available in the re-draft, a big jump is on the horizon.
The Dynasty
Predicted Finish: 2nd
The Rant:
The Dynasty has been a dynasty in name alone for about a decade. The banners hanging in the rafters out in Chilliwack are starting to fade, as are the memories of when this team actually won something! This season has the potential to be different however and a chance for the league’s once dominant franchise to re-exert its mastery of the HHL. To date, GM Ramsbottom’s squad has been remarkably healthy and is solid at most positions, but unlike the others at the top of the standings, they are doing it without any true superstars. Winning without high end all-stars is almost impossible, so the Dynasty is most likely to finish 3rd or 4th AGAIN!
On the wall:
Similar to the Crunch, the Dynasty has some decent talent, but crappy depth. Martin St. Louis continues to prove that life begins at 30 and is once again on pace for an 85+ point season. Despite his apparent issues with cab drivers in the off-season, Patrick Kane has taken the next step in his career and is also on pace to surpass a point a game. After that, we don’t want to waste the effort but in the spirit of the season, let’s not leave out David Perron and Michael Ryder. Perron was supposed to have a break out year, but the only thing he’s breaking is Dynasty fan’s hearts. Hell, this guy is softer than the Conservative’s position on carbon emissions. In the spirit of limiting our own emissions, we won’t tell you what we think of Michael Ryder.
Grade: B
Up the middle:
Before the season began, many questioned the Dynasty’s decision to protect Patrick Marleau. Sure, he’s flakier than Buzz’s movie buddies, but similar to Shark teammate Joe Thornton, who cares! As long as he keeps scoring like this, Ramsbottom couldn’t care if he votes for the NDP. Jeff Carter and Mike Ribeiro have been a bit slow out of the gate, but both have huge upside and complete the best centre corps in the league.
Grade: A
On the back:
Brian Campbell was supposed to be the anchor of this group, but instead, Lubomir Visnovsky has been the leader throughout the season. And, with a $1 salary, he is likely one of the best free agent signings of the year. Picking up Mark Zidlicky wasn’t bad either. While there is no superstar in the group, it is solid enough to do the job.
Grade: B+
Between the pipes:
At the end of yet another chaotic Olympic day, and after both kids have been bathed and fed, before his head hits the pillow, GM Ramsbottom says a quick prayer thanking the hockey gods Mark Elliott approached him for the trade of a lifetime. Since acquiring Evgeni Nabokov prior to the 07/08 season, Nabokov has won back-to-back HHL Top Goalie awards. He’s on pace to challenge for that award again and put yet another exclamation point on one of the best/worst trades in HHL history.
Grade: A+
The Krew
Predicted Finish: 3rd
The Rant:
We have always said that in the HHL, in order to win, you need superstars. Depth is nice, but you can always buy depth from the losers (ie. Buzz, Teddy or Barry) of that particular year. There is no better example of high end guys carrying a team than the Krew. If Marian Gaborik, Dany Heatley and Henrik Sedin stay hot, this team could easily hoist the David Livingstone Memorial Trophy. If however they pull a groin, break a foot, or otherwise come up lame in any way…say hello to 8th place Mark.
On the wall:
When you start with Gaborik and Heatley as your #1 and #2 wingers, it’s almost irrelevant who comes after them…especially if Gaborik stays healthy. Jamie Langenbrunner and Kyle Okposo are about as impressive as Commissioner Livingstone’s six-pack but as we said, who cares. The tope guys are good enough for this team to win.
Grade: A
Up the middle:
Hank Sedin is playing out of his mind and at press time was top 3 in HHL position player scoring. Not only is he assisting on every third Canucks goal, he’s also decided he can score once in a while (currently on pace to score 40!). In the #2 hole, Vaclav Prospal is finally starting to play like Vaclav Prospal, but if he can finish with somewhere around 70 points, he will be a steal. (Then again, arthroscopic knee surgery tends to slow guys down somewhat…gee, sorry Mark). When the Krew signed Andy McDonald for $95 million, few thought it wasn’t worth the investment. But now, GM Mark Elliott is probably feeling like Stephen Harper after putting a few billion into Chrysler.
Grade: B+
On the back:
The jury is still out, but I don’t think anyone believes Ryan Whitney will be worth the $130 million Elliott paid to get him in Krew colours. He’s still young, but 21 points in 38 games isn’t going to blow anyone’s skirt up. Although he has the same point total, we aren’t willing to write off Erik Johnson quite yet. True, Elliott gave up a king’s ransom (Patrick Kane and Evgeni Nabokov) to get him, but at just 21 years of age, this guy still has stud potential. The same cannot be said for Brent Burns however…once thought of as a legit scoring defenceman, he now scores about as often as David Pratt at the Roxy.
Grade: C+
Between the pipes
Ray Emery started off faster than Buzz at an open bar wedding, but injury and a shitty Flyers team quickly derailed his season. Thankfully the Krew had Simyon Varlamov waiting in the wings to pick up some of the slack…unfortunately for the Krew, Varlamov is only a part-time player with the Capitals and his point totals will be capped accordingly.
Grade: C
Rarr’s Rage
Predicted Finish: 4th
The Rant:
As we’ve said a few times already, superstars are king in the HHL, and when in doubt, we’ll always side with the team that has the most A-grade talent. We believe there is a big drop after you get through the top 3, but the “best of the rest” is clearly the Rage. With Alexander Semin, Dan Boyle, Vinny Lecavalier (yes, Vinny Lecavalier) and Mikka Kiprusoff, the Rage has the stars to make noise. Unfortunately, the talent drops off a cliff after these guys due to yet another shitty draft performance by GM Stew Wilson. Clearly, Wilson has been taking pointers from Brian Burke and Dave Nonis on how to screw up draft day.
On the wall:
Alexander Semin is actually underperforming this year with “just” 32 points in his first 29 games. A few small injuries derailed whatever momentum he had but when you are still scoring at better than point a game pace and are “underperforming” life could be worse. The rest of this group is about as exciting as a Mike Gillis interview so if this team really wants to challenge the big boys, some serious adjustments will need to be made. Granted, Brad Boyes is finally starting to go and has a bit of upside but Alexei Ponikarovsky and Claude Giroux…please. I’ve seen better talent at Nick’s on Commercial. Too bad Ryan Smyth got hurt.
Grade: C+
Up the middle:
In all of the Olympic prediction shows, Vinny Lecavalier was crapped on like yesterday’s Province. Somehow, Vinny has managed to turn things around with 15 points this month and surprisingly has 37 points in 39 games. Not bad for someone supposedly sucking as bad as Michael Ignatieff’s popularity. Stew’s boy Vinny better keep going however because Olli Jokinen and Daniel Briere aren’t exactly reminding people of Gretzky and Messier.
Grade: B
On the back:
Danny Boyle is once again one of the top offensive defencemen in the HHL. He has also been amazingly durable, which is a good thing for the Rage because like every other position, they’re about as deep as one of Buzz’s comics. Ryan Suter should pick it up at some point though.
Grade: C+
Between the pipes:
The Calgary Flames are about as consistent as the release date for Rick’s Picks but they’re good enough to keep Mikka Kiprusoff in contention for 100+ points. He’s one of the league’s very best and when you’re back-up is some guy by the name of Curtis Mcelhinney, at least you know you’re going to play most nights.
Grade: A
Team Chaos
Predicted Finish: 5th
Our friend Cole has always been a bit sensitive about how he’s been treated in the Picks. He has felt we’ve been unfair in our evaluation of his teams so this year, we plan to be kind and honour the spirit of the season. While many believe that Cole Reid is the worst GM in league history, we will show a bit later that when it comes to “active” GM’s, Reid is not the worst…in fact, he has averaged a 7th place finish over the past five years. Now, this isn’t going to make fans in Skookumchuck erect a statue for Cole in town square, but it does provide some level of justification to this prediction. With Zach Parise, Jarome Iginla, Shea Weber and Brad Richards, Chaos clearly won’t win, but they do have the talent to challenge for a $$ position. See Cole, I don’t crap on your team all the time!
On the wall:
Even with Jacques Lemaire behind the Jersey bench, Zach Parise is scoring at better than a point-a-game pace. Parise is just 25 years old and should be a Chaos cornerstone for the next decade. While Jarome Iginla doesn’t have the same future, he is still in his prime and another grade-A talent. Like most teams, the talent drops off after the top two. Andrei Kostitsyn is an incredible waste of talent, but as I don’t want to be dropped in the St. Lawrence with cement shoes, the rips will end here. Alexander Frolov on the other hand has no gang connections so I feel obligated to say he sucks harder than an East side hooker and should be shipped to the KHL faster than a Nolan Ryan fastball.
Grade: B
Up the middle:
Where have you been Brad Richards? After 62 and 48 point seasons in Big D he has re-emerged this season as a legit #1 centre recording 42 points in his first 36 games! Add to this the fact that he is still only 29 years old and he would appear to be back on track. Stephen Weiss may be another guy who has finally found his mojo recording 37 points in his first 39 games. Weiss was a stud in Junior but took a number of years to put everything together. Both of these guys better keep on humming because Matt Stajan and Scott Gomez stink like Pigeon Park in July.
Grade: B+
On the back:
Clearly Chaos’ best free agent acquisition was Tobias Enstrom. For just $3M, GM Reid has a possible 60+ point defenceman who is only 25. Add Enstrom to slow-starting Shea Weber and wild card Alex Goligoski and you have a better than average d-corps. We can’t be too complimentary though…after all, it is Cole. On that note, what the hell are you doing taking Ron Hainsey? Hainsey is slower than an Andrew Marchand cheque for pete’s sake and should never grace the roster of an HHL franchise ever again! Ahh, we feel better.
Grade: B
Between the pipes:
Tim Thomas is great when he plays…he just needs to play more! For Reid, watching Thomas share time with Tuuka Rask must be more painful than ordering $30,000 in Olympic tickets and winding up with only women’s curling.
Grade: B
Walli’s Jets
Predicted Finish: 6th
The rant:
The cheapest GM in the HHL did little to add to his core of talent on draft day, and we are starting to wonder what GM Walli’s master plan really is? To confirm Walli, HHL dollars are not accepted at Krispy Kreme, Tim Horton’s or any of your other favourite doughnut establishments. I mean come on…first he spends $64M to match the free agent offer sheet on Shane Doan, then goes cheap to pick up the likes of Milan Lucic and Joe Pavelski. That tandem wouldn’t scare a blueberry fritter. In spite of these perplexing moves, and thanks to the ageless Martin Brodeur, the Jets will still have enough to finish in the top half of the HHL.
On the wall:
Henrik Zetterberg is an elite forward, but for some reason, he’s forgotten that he’s paid to score. Sure, everyone loves a solid two-way player, but in the HHL GM’s want points! This is even more important for the Jets as Devon Setoguchi is pulling a Johnathan Cheechoo by following up his break out 65 point campaign with just 13 points. The $64M Shane Doan only has 24 points and may have played his way off Team Canada thanks to his shitty start. Why are we picking this team so high again…?
Grade: C
Up the middle:
Ah yes, Nicklas Backstrom. Nobody seems to talk about this guy thanks to his linemate Alexander the Great, but he could be the best pure passer in the game today. He had 66 assists last year, and could surpass that total this year. Like every team, it seems lack of depth will be a constant and the other centres on this team suck worse than a sour crème glaze. Did someone actually think Patrik Berglund was going to do something? After almost half a season, he has fewer points than Tiger has mistresses.
Grade: B for Backstrom
On the back:
Drew Doughty is so good it’s scary. He’s only 21 but he could make Team Canada after starting the season with 24 points in 38 games. Doughty teams with Zdeno Chara for one of the better top d-pairs in the HHL. Add Christian Ehrhoff to the mix and you’ve got a decent group.
Grade: B+
Between the pipes:
Jacques Lemaire is back in New Jersey and Martin Brodeur is back on pace to rack up 110+ points. Despite pads that remind everyone of a young John Garrett, Brodeur continues to stone Eastern Conference rivals. Let’s hope he can keep it up come February!
Grade: A+
Barney Softcore
Predicted Finish: 7th
The rant:
Outside of Tomas Kaberle and maybe Paul Stastny, this team has less talent than amateur night at the Poco peeler joint. Add this to the fact Softcore has moved more often than Osama Bin Laden, and you have a whole lot of apathy in Virginia/Alabama/Mississippi or wherever the hell they are now. At least they have a few guys fans in the south can recognize. We find it especially pleasing that the ‘Core will finish ahead of the Greeks…knowing full well that Pringle stuck Barney with players he thought were decent, but not good enough for his team.
On the wall:
When Andrew Brunette is your leading scorer, you know you have problems. Sure, Brunette is a serviceable guy, but if he’s better than your #3 or #4 winger you’re screwed. We actually like Dustin Brown, but as we’ve said over and over again, we couldn’t give a rats ass if a guy is “good in the room” or “responsible” in his own end. We care about points! We could care less if the guy is a prick that everyone hates as long as he scores. Speaking of pricks, it’s nice to see that Todd Bertuzzi is still racking up points like Jose racks up visits to the salad bar.
Grade: C+
Up the middle:
Paul Stastny appears to be back on track after a very rough 2008 season. He’s the one bright light for this team in terms of young potential. Nik Antropov is scoring for now, but everyone knows he sucks and it’s only a matter of time until he loses interest.
Grade: C+
On the back:
Tomas Kaberle continues to score in spite of playing on both a shitty NHL and HHL team. We hope ‘Core GM Hodgson isn’t holding his breadth about Kaberle getting moved out of Toronto anytime soon though. With Boston now holding Toronto’s #1 selection in June, there is no way Burkie is going to trade for the future this year. As for the rest, Filip Kuba reeks and Dennis Wideman seems to have taken on the hands of his GM. Brutal.
Grade: C
Between the pipes:
How does Cristobal Huet have 43 points? Certainly 3 shutouts has something to do with the total, but for someone who started the year slower than Greeks GM Homer Pringle in the Grade 8 100-yard dash, you would have expected something like 30 points. Chicago is just so good that as long as Huet gets 70% of the starts, he still has the chance to get 90 points
Grade: B
The Greeks
Predicted Finish: 8th
The rant:
This HHL season began with such promise for the Gibson Greek. He had a roster his post-draft rationalizations could realistically defend. He had young stars in Rick Nash, Mike Richards and Niklas Backstrom to build around and a decent compliment of depth. Unfortunately for the Greek, injuries and age whacked this roster like an Elin Woods five-iron. Considering the god-awful teams below him, the Greeks should still have enough to squeak into the playoffs
On the wall:
At the start of the season, you would likely consider Rick Nash, Simon Gagne, Martin Havlat, David Booth, Jason Blake and even young Mason Raymond as a decent roster of wingers...one might have said it was the best corps the Greek has ever assembled. Small problem, all but Nash are prone to injury or extreme bouts of shittyness. And as expected, with the exception of Nash, each guy has been a struggle and what was once considered the strength of the team has turned into a nightmare. Gagne got hurt, Booth got concussed by teammate Richards and still isn’t back, Havlat pulled a groin AGAIN, and Jason Blake…well, Blake plays for the Leafs so enough said. The only bright light is young Mason Raymond who might be the first Canuck to actually live up to Pringle’s hype.
Grade: C
Up the middle:
Unlike the wing, Homer's heroes up the middle are all healthy and relatively decent. Although he’s not scoring like he should be Mike Richards is a stud and is a lock to make Team Canada this February…I don’t care what Bob McKenzie says! Ryan Kesler is a lock for Team USA and although he will never score like Richards, he is certainly cut from the same cloth...yet another Canuck GM Pringle can honestly defend taking! Tomas Plekanec has also been a pleasant surprise and is one of the few mighty mites actually producing in Montreal. Artem Anisimov on the other hand was the sucker pick of 2009...a few good highlights in the pre-season and you knew Pringle was going to take him...thank goodness, because the Dynasty was poised to take him late if he was still available!
Grade: B
On the back:
Rob Blake, Kimmo Timonen and Sheldon Souray would be an awesome back line...in 1998! Unfortunatley, this group has more gray hairs than Stew and is starting to play like it. Add in Jack Johnson, who will NEVER score in the NHL or HHL, and you have a very average group...and yes, I know that NEVER is a very long time, but this guy might be the most overrated pivot in the entire league! The only saving grace here is that Pringle can add a decent defenceman in the re-draft and boost their point total by 20+ points.
Grade: C
Between the pipes:
Same old story here. A great goalie on a bad team equals average points. According to our sources, GM Pringle was actually heard yelling "Bring Back Jacques" as he stumbled home from the Roberts Creek Community Centre last Saturday night.
Grade: C+
Los Diablos
Predicted Finish: 9th
The rant:
Injuries have clearly hurt Diablos in their sophomore season. Jonathan Toews has missed significant time, as has Brendan Morrow and Niklas Kronwall. Add this to the early departures of The Mule Johan Franzen and disappointing seasons from Chris Kunitz and Patrick Sharp and you have a 9th place finish. And now Ryan Getzlaf is hurt. Sorry Diablos, your luck sucks more than your logo.
On the wall:
You would think with 10 wingers, you would at least have a few guys over 30 points. Not with this group. Ryan Malone is playing out of his mind to get 35 points and he’s the only one to crack the mediocre 30 point plateau. Outside of young John Tavares the rest of these guys are more of our favourite two-way grinders. I mean give us a break…Steve Bernier, Daniel Cleary and Dustin Byfuglien! Did you lose your HHL handbook Josh…remember, we’re shooting for points here.
Grade: C+
Up the middle:
You seriously can’t start much better than Ryan Getzlaf and Jonathan Toews. In addition to actually paying his league fees, the other thing Diablos GM Josh Pasnak has done differently than former owner Woo Marchand is to add some nice franchise cornerstones…when you add these two to Tavares and goalie Ryan Miller, you’ve got a nice start…too bad the rest of this group is about as attractive as Commissioner Livingstone in a thong.
Grade: A
On the back:
Let’s look at the positive, with defencemen counting at 13, 12, and 2 points, at least there’s upside! The downside is Josh has collected the biggest group of stiffs we have ever seen to patrol an HHL blueline. OK, Kronwall is hurt but Spacek and Peitrangelo…please. The Poco Nighthawks have more talent!
Grade: C-
Between the pipes:
The guy who may single handedly drag this collection of bums kicking and screaming into the playoffs is Ryan Miller. Playing behind a very average Buffalo squad, this guy is putting up more points than Kev Tyfting in Grade 12 hoops. Miller is clearly fired up to start for Team USA in February, and making Burkie’s decision a no brainer.
Grade: A
Tri-City Flood
Predicted Finish: 10th
The Rant:
Since the Flood joined the HHL, they have always iced a respectable team…often times more than respectable. This year is different however, and even though Alexander Ovechkin is the best player on the planet, he is being washed away by a team of mediocrity. After an encouraging start to the season, the Flood has fallen faster than Tiger’s endorsement deals and will surely miss the playoffs. Come on Chris, did you hit the egg nog early this year or what?
On the wall:
For this team, everything begins and ends with Alexander the Great. After Alex, Flood fans are left to stomach the likes of Alex Kovalev, Milan Hejduk and Kristian Huselius. Hockey fans in the Tri-cities like hard hitting hockey, and this trio couldn’t break wind after Christmas turkey dinner. By the way Chris, who the hell is Jamie Benn…? Shitty.
Grade: C+
Up the middle:
Anze Kopitar started the season faster than Tiger Woods at a swinger’s convention but has since sputtered like Buzz trying to run a marathon. He’s a solid player but when your backup is Michael Frolik and Daymond Langkow, he needs to score like Stew at the old Cranbrook socials.
Grade: C
On the back:
Mark Streit was a world beater last year, but this year his 20 points are very average/average. How he scored 56 points on the Island last year we’ll never know. But Streit’s disappointing season pales in comparison to those of Dion Phaneuf and Cam Barker. Phaneuf has played so bad that Stevie Y has had to dip into the old white-out to get his name off Team Canada’s roster. 17 points….Tiger scored more in November. The expectations weren’t as high for Cam Barker but after the Flood threw out $42 million of hard earned Tri-City tax dollars to bring him to the Poco Rec Centre, much more than 13 points was expected.
Grade: C
Between the pipes:
King Henrik Lundqvist is a great goalie but is having an incredibly bad HHL season. With just one shutout in 36 starts, it’s no wonder he’s fallen from grace. We love the rants from Coach Torts on the nightly highlights, but his run and gun style doesn’t help King Henrik’s points.
Grade: C+
Kevlar
Predicted Finish: 11th
The rant:
Honestly, nothing pisses us off more than watching this sad sack of a franchise waste two of the best talents in the HHL. How on god’s green earth can anyone be this shitty with BOTH Sidney Crosby AND Evegeni Malkin??!! We all understand the Kevlar’s GM Kev Tyfting spends about as much time preparing for draft day as Commissioner Livingstone spends in Lululemon but please…you’d think he would stumble across the odd gem by fluke! This team sucks so bad that the only reason we have them this high is that the re-draft is coming and they need help at every position so a large and immediate point gain is a given. Just terrible!
On the wall:
Kevlar’s wing corps is a classic example of why you do not, under any circumstances, allow the Commissioner to make your picks! There is not even one almost star in the bunch, and while no one is a clear cut bum, no one is worth wasting much ink on either. Scott Hartnell, Alex Burrows, Joffrey Lupul and Milan Michalek are all classic 2nd or 3rd liners who will score somewhere between 50 and 60 points. Paul Kariya is great, when he plays, but the “playing part” seems to be more and more elusive for the kid from the North Shore.
Grade: C-
Up the middle:
We are still dumbfounded how a team with BOTH Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin can’t at least make the playoffs! Sure, Malkin getting hurt is a good start I guess, but I attribute it to the most colossal waste of talent since Roy Halladay was left to die on the vine as a Blue Jay. I mean seriously, this is ridiculous. Ecto, please don’t ever allow the Commish to draft your team again, but please also never draft the team again yourself…you’re not much better!
Grade: A+
On the back:
Speaking of a fluke, Duncan Keith is a great young defenceman and this year is scoring like the Godfather at the Grade 8 sockhop. In our opinion, he is now a lock for Team Canada. Zach Bogosian seems to have potential, but playing in Atlanta is about as inspiring as a Jack Layton speech on economics. Pavel Kubina and Joe Corvo should do us all a favour and just retire.
Grade: C+
Between the pipes:
Who the hell is Pekka Rinne? Here’s a hint Ecto (and Commish), picking a no-name goalie on an average team doesn’t tend to work out that well.
Grade: D
The Bitches!
Predicted Finish: 12th (Ouch!)
The rant:
In our very first draft of the Picks…sometime in early November if memory serves, we had the Bitches finishing 10th. But how could this be? They are last year's double Championship team...they haven't missed the playoffs since 03/04...and they haven't finished in the bottom five since 97/98! We were honestly shocked that the mighty could fall that far but evidently, it could get worse. Yes, losing 50 man games to injury already hasn’t helped, including significant injuries to Marian “I hurt my shoulder signing my big cheque” Hossa and Alice “I have a run in my stockings” Hemsky. But look deeper. The guys that should be carrying this team like Pavel Datsyuk (29 points), Cam Ward (8 points), Jason Pominville (26 points) and Brian Rafalski (15 points) have all sucked harder than the HST. Yes, injuries played a factor, but this was no championship team.
On the wall:
The problems for this group definitely start on the wing. You know you're in trouble when the leader of the group is Alice Hemsky...and only get worse when your $83M man Jason Pominville stumbles out of the gate with just 26 points in 38 gamaes. Wojtek Wolski gives hope for the future but his 38 points are only a puddle in this ocean of problems. Marian Hossa is still a stud, but studs in the barn don't help much and there just isn’t enough time left in the season for him to make any real impact.
Grade: C
Up the middle:
Mikko Koivu is a solid "almost" point a game guy and is performing just fine this year...the one player living up to potential for the Bitches. The same cannot be said for Pavel Datsyuk however who, like all of the Red Wings, seems to have forgotten that scoring is kind of important. You have got to think that he will pick it up, but we're almost 1/2 way through the season so time is running out. Speaking of running, that's what GM Garcia should have done when Valterri Flippula landed on the auction block. In three full seasons, Flippula has never broken 40 points and the 2009 season will be no different. Cleary, Gomez-Garcia has taken one too many soccer balls to the head and is starting to lose grip with reality.
Grade: C+
On the back:
The underperforming continues to the d-corps for this year's version of the Bitches. Like his Red Wing mate Pavel Datsyuk, Brian Rafalski seems to have forgotten the puck is supposed to go in the other team’s net. When special Ed Jovanovski is leading your group in scoring, you’re in more trouble than Stephen Harper at a Greenpeace convention.
Grade: C-
Between the pipes:
My god it must just kill Bitches GM Jose Gomez-Garcia to have paid Cam Ward $90M bones for a staggering 8 points. Almost half way through the season, he has fewer points than Tiger has STD’s and with the way the Hurricanes are playing, he’s not likely to break 20. Tomas Vokoun still plays in Florida so anybody taking him is clearly not right in the head…yes Jose, I understand you have a wife and two children but what were you thinking!!
Grade: D
The Liberals
Predicted Finish: 13th (Oh, we love it when Buzz is this bad!)
The rant:
In between media bombardments and yet another Finance Committee presentation, our writers along with Crunch GM Caley Denton did a bit of research on our Liberal friends. Did you know that the Liberals haven't finished in the top 3 since 02/03...on average, they have finished in 11th place over the past four years…and haven't made the playoffs since 03/04! Now this is a big statement but the facts don’t lie and clearly, Buzz Leeson is the shittiest “active” GM in HHL history! Leeson has about as much chance of returning to the playoffs this year as the team's namesake has of winning the next election.
On the wall:
Look up the word average in the old Webster's Dictionary and you see a photo gallery of this group. Long gone are the days when the Liberals would roll out a collection of 80+ point guys and strike fear into all they matched up against. This group is about as frightening as Gandi. Loui Eriksson is the best of the bunch, but he's going to max out at 70 points. Justin Williams has already been hurt once, and it's only a matter of time until he pulls something else (see knee injury from this weekend). To be fair, Bobby Ryan and Tomas Vanek are top tier guys who are clearly under performing and should be so much better. Such is the fate of good players who end up a Liberal.
Grade: C
Up the middle:
Injuries have certainly hurt the production up the middle for the Libs...especially the injury to Marc Savard who is probably one of the most underappreciated players in the whole league. Jason Spezza is a solid player but like Ryan and Vanek is just not scoring at the rate he should be. The rest aren't worth mentioning although let me just say again how much we love it when the Liberals suck. Oh, and it’s even better when he complains about his injuries to obvious stars like…Mike Comrie! Please Buzz, suck with honour.
Grade: C –
On the back:
Finally a glimmer of hope…at least that’s what we thought. Chris Pronger seemed to have a re-birth in Philadelphia and paying $57M to get him in a Liberal jersey was one of the few smart moves GM Leeson made on draft day. In the last month though, Pronger has scored about as often as Leeson visits the vegetable crisper in his new fridge. Pronger should be fine though. Sergei Gonchar on the other hand has battled injuries again this year and Kevin Bieksa just isn't an offensive defencemen. Fedor Tyutin will score 35-40 points so if he's being counted on in any way, your team is in more trouble than a Canwest shareholder.
Grade: C+
Between the pipes:
Marc-Andre Fleury is solid, and he plays for the Penguins to boot. He has the chance to register 90+ points and be one of the lone bright spots for this black hole of a franchise.
Grade: B+
Korean Assassins
Predicted Finish 14th
The rant:
One never knows quite what to expect from this franchise. It’s about as unpredictable as the vehicle GM Teddy “The Professor” Kim will show up in on draft day. What do we know…? The vehicle is probably stolen, and the Assassins will miss the playoffs.
On the wall:
Losing Daniel Sedin to injury after just 4 games was crushing to this group. JP Dumont, Nathan Horton and Brian Gionta are sound, but not spectacular and don’t have enough bullets in the barrel to make up for the loss of Dank. At a cost of just $6, we do give the Assassin props for picking up Horton…with 37 points in his first 40 games he was definitely one of the steals of the draft.
Up the middle:
Derek Roy cost the Assassin $100M, but like other free agents who attracted that kind of HHL dollars, he’s bombed like AIG. What’s worse is that Roy is the best of a sad lot. Brooks Laich started out hotter than Gold Medal hockey tickets, but in the last month his value has dropped lower than a Slovakia vs. Finland final. Jason Arnott sounds like he’s turned into a great leader but who cares…23 points ain’t gonna cut it.
Grade: D
On the back:
Mike Green has more points than all of the Assassins d-men combined! I’d love to tell you all about them, but as it’s 2am I’d rather get more sleep. In fairness, Andrei Markov is an obvious stud and yet another star sidelined with injury. Tough luck Teddy Voodoo, maybe next decade.
Grade: D
Between the pipes:
Roberto Luongo is this team’s best player by a country mile. If he thought playing for the Panthers and Islanders was rough, suiting up for the Assassins makes the Panthers look like the ’78 Habs.
Grade: A
Disco Godfathers
Predicted Finish: Dead Last
The rant:
The hockey gods have a strange way of responding to ineptitude. If you, for example, trade the best offensive defenceman in the league for say a shutdown defenceman, a one hit wonder and a doughnut loving speedster, they tend to throw a few evil spirits your way. Such is the case with the Godfathers, our pick, yet AGAIN, to occupy the HHL basement this season. Sorry Godfather, you suck…hell, you’re so bad I might actually recommend you consider getting the Commissioner to pick for you next year! Clearly it couldn’t get any worse.
On the wall:
After Corey Perry, this group licks. True, Phil Kessel and Patrick Elias will help but only next year. Little Bryan on the other hand was the biggest sucker pick around...after a great rookie year, he has fallen off the cliff known as the sophomore jinx and the question is whether he will ever be heard from again.
Grade: C
Up the middle:
Steven Stamkos is obviously the real deal and should be the cornerstone the Godfather looks to re-build around. However, as in Tampa Bay, he can’t fight the war on his own. The rest of this group should be so much better but are underperforming so badly the Godfather must want to just sit in the corner and cry. I mean come on…Eric Staal, David Krejci, Andrew Cogliano and Tim Connolly should be good enough to get it done, but sadly they’re about as hot as Kirsty Alley. I hate to say I told you so, but Krejci looked so much better as a Crunch!
Grade: D
On the back:
What was that about the Crunch? Mike Green sure would look good on this team…sadly, Jay Boomeester is the best this group has to offer and as we’ve said over and over the past several years, two way players are great but not in this pool! We love that Jay kills penalties, and is great 5 on 5, but again, who cares if he doesn’t bloody score! The rest are about as memorable as the last episode of the Soprano’s.
Grade: D
Between the pipes:
Steve Mason is another great young player who should be scoring so much better. This whole team should be better, but collectively, they’re sucking harder than the carbon tax and have the potential of being the biggest group of underachievers in HHL history. Grade: C
Finis.