Rick’s Picks 2015/2016
While I may never love the rain here in Beautiful BC, one thing I enjoyed since being back on the Best Coast is attending the HHL Draft in person! It’s so much more fun than sitting on the other end of a malfunctioning Microsoft Skype call. And even better, I get to write Rick’s Picks with first hand knowledge of the chaos and calamity of the Draft. As we all get busier, I have taken to more of an executive summary style for the Picks this year, along with a new theme to calling out players to watch (or not) in honour of Stephen Harper’s attack ads and our new Prime Minister. You’re gonna love it Buzz! So without further useless rambling, let’s get after it!
Dead Last: The Spanish Bitches
This may be a first for the Picks and it’s hard to believe, but the Bitches really suck this year. I’m sorry Jose but you stink…were you smoking some of BC’s best before the draft? You’re wingers stink, your defence really stinks, your centres and goalies are OK but nowhere close. This is by far the worst Bitches team in history!
He’s Just Not Ready:
Lots to choose from here but we’re going with Brayden Schenn. This guy has been “waiting to break out” for more years than Rob Ford has chins. Time to call it, the Schenns are a bust.
Nice Hair Though:
Stolen from the Dynasty on Draft Day Dylan Larkin seems to be the real deal. It’s scary that he’s the Bitches #1 centre as of writing but he’s breezed through the usually lengthy Red Wings development system faster than TK changes hair styles.
14th Place: Kevlar
How on earth can a team with Sidney Crosby AND Evgeni Malkin finish this low? When Duncan Keith gets hurt and you have NO ONE else that’s how! Please Kevlar, you have had a decade to turn these two guys into a contender and you’ve crashed and burned harder than Thomas Mulcair. You seriously took two Maple Leafs! I didn’t even know PA Parenteau was still playing…vs. Dion Phaneuf who everyone knows hasn’t been playing! To make himself feel better, rumour has it that GM Kev Tyfting has already booked his accommodation for the Raar reunion in Vegas…an intimate one bedroom at the Mandalay Bay for him and Commission Livingstone…seriously, what must Josh or Caley be thinking?? Sorry guys, just Google Spoongate!
He’s Just Not Ready:
Milan Lucic had a few good years in Boston but may I remind you that good two-way players who get penalty minutes aren’t overly helpful in the HHL. Kev, have you ever thought of bringing Mares on the pay role? At least she knows something about identifying talent. Or better yet take a cue from the football pool and turn things over to Big Ben!
Nice Hair Though:
Another theft from in front of the Dynasty was Artemi Panarin. Because of you and Jose, I ended up with the brainchild of Jakob Silfverberg! Playing with Patrick Kane helps but this Panarin guy looks legit.
13th Place: Kurgens
Killer Krew
Sorry Mark, but I’m not buying Devan Dubnyk pulling a Ken Dryden two years in a row. Just don’t see it. And as the rest of your team is about as talented as Donald Trump’s speech writers, your stay at the bottom of the standings is assured.
He’s Just Not Ready:
Can we now officially write off the career of Marian Gaborik? 4 points in 18 games is about as exciting as Commissioner Livingstone in a moo moo.
Nice Hair Though:
Ryan Johansen has had a rough start along with the rest of the Jackets, but with Torts now in town, he’s going to play the crap out of him and he’ll either perform or die trying. He’s the best of a sad Krew…you know, we should have put this guy lower.
12th Place: Disco Godfathers
Some good pieces, but Disco is more top heavy than Stew’s favourite performer at the Number 5 Orange. Sure, Tyler Seguin is starting to look like one of the best the league has to offer, but he really needs some help. Kessel can’t seem to score with the Kid, and thanks to Eberle’s injury, the wing is now incredibly thin…thanks for bidding up Palat on me Disco!
He’s Just Not Ready:
Nazem Kadri had such promise in Junior but a few years with the Leafs will suck whatever confidence and talent out of the best and brightest. I mean really, who cares if they have the best front office around, if the horses on the ice are better suited to plowing fields.
Nice Hair Though:
Jake Allen is a off to a great start between the pipes for the Blues. Who cares if the Blues will still get knocked out of the Playoffs in the first or second round because they score less than Josh at the Roxy…regular season points will be stellar.
11th Place: Rarrs
Rage
Powered by yet another disastrous Draft Day, 2015 looks to be another “off-year” for the Dark Lord of Dump. Really, you thought David Perron and Michael Del Zotto would help? All is not lost however. If Claude Giroux can turn things around, and Jason Spezza can somehow have more pucks bounce off him on their way between Benn and Seguin, a playoff spot may still be possible.
He’s Just Not Ready:
Bo Horvat may yet turn out to be a good pro, but more likely for we cursed Canucks fans, he will be the final memory of that cocky horses ass Mike Gillis.
Nice Hair Though:
Who the hell is this Leon Draisaitl guy? He’s German…got all of 9 points last year, and yet has started the year with 14 points in just 9 games? Will he fade faster than Homer Pringle in the 100m, or will he help make up for McDavid’s absence? It’s Stew so of course I vote for the former.
10th Place: Korean Assasins
Gone is the mysterious Blue loving consultant, who was seemingly tossed out of Seoul faster than Andreas from the Crunch at a Grecian Formula convention. With a consultant there was hope. With outside advice, however flawed, there was a chance. With only TK, we know where this ends. He’s not the worst GM in the HHL for nothing and with Cole in the pool that’s saying something.
He’s Just Not Ready:
We’ve been waiting for Wayne Simmonds longer than environmentalists have been waiting to punt Stephen Harper. He has touched 60 points once, which means his skills are about as impressive as bringing leftover day-old donuts to the draft as your “contribution”.
Nice Hair Though:
With this header, how can I pick anyone other than the hair himself, Jammy Jagr. Really, the guy is as old as most of us, and is still getting it done at a reasonable clip. As an added benefit, can you imagine how much action Jagr is getting in South Beach…? Nice.
9th Place: Chaos
It gets touch from here as to who will miss the playoffs but as history tends to repeat itself, we’ll put Chaos in the 9 hole. Not rain…not sleet…not mass protests nor decades of incompetence have removed GM Reid from his chair at the top of the organization known as Chaos. Even stars like Shea Weber are powerless against the curse of Chaos. This guy makes the Chicago Cubs look like the Montreal Canadiens.
He’s Just Not Ready:
Nick Leddy has twice scored 37 points and he’s only 24. But with just 5 points in his first 19 games he’s proving to be about as consistent as Barney out of the sand. And now that he’s a member of Chaos, the pendulum has swung from average to shitty.
Nice Hair Though:
At just 23, Tyler Toffoli has come into his own this season with the Kings. His first few years have shown steady progression and it’s all upside from here. The kid is legit and with Miss Marian once again tanking like Valeant stock, there’s no one in his way for playing time.
8th Place: Los Diablos
I know, from where Josh currently sits picking him to make the playoffs is like picking Willie Desjardins to win coach of the year. Fact is, it’s just way more fun picking Stew and Cole to miss…and besides, I can’t for the life of me imagine Ryan Getzlaf and Jonathan Toews sucking this hard for the rest of the year. Josh also has lots of holes that he should be able to fill to sneak in.
He’s Just Not Ready:
Everyone thought the move to Pittsburgh would release a flood of points for Patric Hornqvist but it only resulted in a measly 51…despite playing with Sidney Crosby…when Sidney actually scored. Like most Penguins this year, he’s having a harder time scoring than Commissioner Livingstone on Plenty of Fish with just 6 points in his first 17. Sorry, this guy sucks.
Nice Hair Though:
Jack Eichel isn’t lighting the world on fire but I’ve seen enough to know this kid is going to rock it like Jose in 1989. He may never be as good as McDavid but this guy should be a Diablos for as long as Homer can’t see his toes.
7th Place: Barney Softcore
Ok, what’s the deal with Barney taking 9 centres? The Dynasty barely has 9 players! I’d go after Barney for that like a hanging curveball but who wouldn’t love to have Nathan MacKinnon, Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, Connor McDavid, and a soon to arrive in the NHL William Nylander up the middle? Hell even Barns can’t screw that up.
He’s Just Not Ready:
Nail Yakupov has had more chances than Josh has back hair, and his value is dropping faster than real estate prices in Fort McMurray. This guy could play with Wayne Gretzky and Jari Kurri and still find a way to pout his way to the dog house.
Nice Hair Though:
Great to see a rebound year for Nathan MacKinnon but I’m going with Patrice Bergeron. Is this guy a stud or what. When the B’s need a 2-way checking centre, he does it. When they need someone to step up and replace the scoring that skipped town, he cranks it up to a point a game. We could have really used a guy like Patrice on the old UBC Intramural team Bo and the Honkies.
6th Place: Wallis Jets
I love the passion of stockpiling lads from his beloved Jets, but from a strategy perspective, it’s sort of like loading up on real estate in downtown Damascus.
He’s Just Not Ready:
Tyler Myers was probably on the rebound hit list for a few us…thank you Treats for scooping him like an apple fritter on Sunday morning and sparing us the heart burn.
Nice Hair Though:
Bryan Little is one of the few Jets to be firing on all cylinders. He will never be an 80+ point guy, but he can hit 70 and in today’s HHL I’ll take that all day long. And I didn’t protect this guy why?
5th Place: Tri-City Flood
The Flood has been hanging in nicely thus far but I like his team less than the cabbies like Uber. Jamie Benn has emerged as one of the best players on the planet, but can he, an aging Daniel Sedin, and King Henrik carry these guys? I think 5th is optimistic.
He’s Just Not Ready:
Colin Wilson is now 26 and has a career best year of 42 points. He’s started this year on pace to not challenge that herculean total and it appears whatever he was going to do in this league, he has done…wonderful 2-way player though which leads me to ask why Barney or Kevlar didn’t take him?
Nice Hair Though:
I’d love to focus somewhere else, but this Jamie Benn guy isn’t bad. He’s started the year faster than Buzz at an open bar wedding and is showing no sign of slowing down. And to think he’s only 26…scary.
4th Place: Liberals
Stew’s goddess from the Number 5 makes her appearance again. This team is driven by all-world Carey Price, John Tavares, and this emerging rock star named John freakin’ Klingberg. After that I get worried. The Liberals, normally known for their depth on the wing, are led by Bobby Ryan and Mark Stone…about as scary as running into Homer Pringle in a dark alley. After Tavares, centre is even worse. The stars will keep him close, but there will be no repeat!
He’s Just Not Ready:
Andrej Sekera had an out of body experience in Carolina and has been cashing in ever since. The odds of him getting back to that magic 44 point mark is about as likely as GM Leeson going vegan.
Nice Hair Though:
In just his second season, John Klingberg is racking up points faster than hot dogs disappear at the Leeson family BBQ. And stupid me, betting a Nick’s dinner in a head to head Klingberg vs. Pietrangelo match up. I guess the sausages will be on me. Good thing anyway, if I had won, Buzz would have pulled a Seinfeld and just bought me soup.
3rd Place: The Greeks
Unfortunately for hockey fans in Gibsons, the 20th year of the HHL (can you believe it’s been 20 years!!??) will not bring the Greeks first regular season title. Unlike Chaos or the Assassins who have sucked forever, the Greeks have tortured their fans in the same way as GM Pringle’s beloved Canucks. Like the Canucks, the Greeks have finished 2nd three times, and like the Canucks, the pain won’t end this season. Pass the weed!
He’s Just Not Ready:
Who knew Sam Gagner was in Philly…the score sheet sure doesn’t. Still just 26 his 49 point rookie season was so long ago Barney still had hair.
Nice Hair Though:
Taylor Hall is 24…24! Seems like he’s been in Edmonton forever. With or without young McDavid, 2015 will mark the first in a decade of better than a point-per-game seasons.
2nd Place: Dynasty
No way would I pick the Dynasty for the Rick’s Picks curse. There’s also no way this team has enough to get over the hump. Patrick Kane is scoring like it’s July in Buffalo and Erik Karlsson is Erik Karlsson but there’s no way I trust Thomas Vanek, David Krejci and Louie Erikkson to keep things going. Then again, Kevin Shattenkirk has been hurt, the Lightning are slumping and Corey Perry only has 11 points….and that Marner guy could be the next Kane so is great trade bait…well, maybe…
He’s Just Not Ready:
What the hell was I thinking with Jakob Silfverberg? I actually paid money for this guy! He’s softer than Chris’ abs, and reminds me of a young Patrik Stefan…yes, he might be that bad.
Nice Hair Though:
How can I not pick the mullet of Erik Karlsson for this. Looks like he may battle young Klingberg for the scoring lead amongst d-man, but I’ll put my money on the mullet any day…what you say Buzz, double or nothing??
1st Place: Comox Crunch
How did this happen. They have no players scoring at better than a point a game, Mike Cammalleri is counting, and Mikko Koivu is their #1 centre? Truth be told there is no clear cut #1 this year so I had to pick someone and who butter to curse than the Crunch.
He’s Just Not Ready:
Was it just 2 years ago that Chris Kunitz laced them up for Canada in Sochi? This guy has fallen off faster than the price of crude. Seriously…3 points in 19 games! Ouch.
Nice Hair Though:
Of this average lot, Max Pacioretty is the best. He’s more steady than Vancouver rain, and scores like Stew at the ol’ Skookumchuck sock hop.
Finis.